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Welcome back to The Bachelor, the show that systematically punishes anyone with a vibrant personality.
This week’s review will be short because women only have a few days left as people, and I’m trying to make every second count.
This episode picks up where we left off — with Nick telling all the women he sent Liz home because she (a cow) gave him (a person) her milk (vagina) for free. May we all learn something today about who deserves love and why.
Following this news, Corinne decides to get even more romantic with Nick by introducing Cool Whip into their relationship. It happens like this:
Corinne sets her lily-white index finger on the trigger of the Cool Whip and aims it directly into Nick’s gaping mouth, the very mouth that contains the tongue Corrine dreams will one day make its home in her golden pussy every night while she sleeps. Also, during the day while she sleeps. Corinne sleeps a lot. Nick, his mouth now foaming with sugary froth, tries to lose himself to the moment, but he can’t stop thinking about how many minutes of exercise are required to burn off the 7 calories from fat per tablespoon of Cool Whip — 3 mins walking, 1 min cycling, 1 min swimming. Doesn’t seem like much, but Nick is acutely aware of what a slippery slope maintaining 1% body fat can be. He’s relieved when Corinne licks a bit of the cream out of his mouth. We’re down to 5 calories now which seems more manageable.
Anyway, Corinne, who senses the erotic encounter is getting away from her emotionally, takes leave of Nick to cry hot tears of shame in the bathroom. Corinne’s vulnerabilities are finally beginning to take shape in this episode. She uses sex as a crutch to make up for her timidity, is bad at planned dancing, and knows how to make cheesy pasta but not as well as her nanny, Raquel, whose happiness is informed by satisfying Corinne’s desires.
During the next group date, the ladies are tasked with acting as back-up dancers for the Backstreet Boys, who have a Las Vegas residency in both March AND June of next year. Jasmine, a professional dancer, loses the challenge. Danielle, a nail salon owner, wins and gets to slow dance/make out with Nick while BSB sings “You Are My Fire, My One Desire” or whatever is the scientific name for that song.
Corinne places last for dancing but places first for inventing the term “planned dancing,” which is what “choreography” should’ve been called in the first place.
The one-on-one date goes to Vanessa. Vanessa and Nick go on a gravity-free airplane ride where Vanessa pukes violently into a paper bag but Nick makes out with her anyway because he’s nothing if not a horny gentleman.
Later, at a pool party, Corinne introduces a bouncy house into her relationship with Nick, and it works, mostly. After bouncing about for some minutes, she pins Nick to the bouncy house floor with her vagina and asks him if he feels comfortable with her. Spoiler alert: he does. Fun is truly a great foundation of any relationship. Vanessa is displeased. She thinks he should exercise more discretion re: who he lets straddle him in a bouncy house. The women are beginning to suspect Corinne may not be ready for marriage.
ALL RIGHT THAT’S DONE. In lieu of the longer, more elegant recap that I sincerely apologize for denying you, here are some organizations that deserve your money this week:
American Civil Liberties Union: The American Civil Liberties Union is Donald J. Trump’s greatest nightmare. They fight for something called “fundamental human rights,” a concept Trump struggles to comprehend. Unfortunately, the ACLU doesn’t stand up for the fundamental human right to grab a woman by the pussy (that’s called reverse sexism), but that doesn’t mean they don’t get down and dirty with some chill-ass rights. Donate to them here.
Planned Parenthood: No one knows what Planned Parenthood did to Paul Ryan, but boy it must’ve been mean as hell because he’s spent his entire career fighting for their demise. Planned Parenthood provides a bunch of cool things, like free cancer screenings and STD tests and reproductive healthcare advice based on facts (what can I say, PP is old-fashioned). Paul Ryan, who understandably believes that Planned Parenthood is a refugee camp for all the 17th century witches that escaped the wrath of his ancestors, doesn’t like facts OR women and wants both exorcised from the United States. He’s closer to success than he’s ever been but hey, don’t get angry—get even.
National Association for the Advancement of Colored People: Everybody may be racist but not everybody has the power to make policy decisions that will directly and negatively affect communities of color. Donald Trump may have eaten a burrito bowl to demonstrate his alliance with the Latino community but maybe you should also donate here just in case it turns out he actually doesn’t give a shit.
National Immigration Law Center: The NILC stands up for the rights of low-income immigrants who have made a home for themselves in the United States. Think of them as the opposite of the wall that Mexico is totally one hundred percent gonna pay for. Donate here.
National Resource Defense Council: It’s an indisputable fact that the work of the above organizations wouldn’t be possible if we didn’t live on a planet capable of supporting human life! Donate here to slow down the sixth mass extinction.
And, as always, join me next week to find out whether the ratings are rigged or the new Celebrity Apprentice is really just that bad.