The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's America: Week Four


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Welcome back to The Bachelor, the show that takes place in the United States of America and definitely not in a country where each year 30 children are asked to murder each other for The People’s entertainment until only one is left standing. That being said, Happy Belated Day of Patriotic Devotion. I hope you all spent it immersed in a bathtub full of vodka listening to your favorite acapella version of God Bless America on repeat.  

This show opens with Taylor and Sarah being so obsessed with Corinne, and Corinne doesn’t know why. She’ll never know why. But it doesn’t matter because she came to an agreement with herself that she’s not everyone’s cup of tea. And also she’s not privileged in any way, shape, or form.

It took several iterations of white feminism over many generations to produce Corinne, and I don’t know about you, but I am PLEASED with the results. I will never know myself as well as she does, and that’s why she runs a multi-million-dollar business, and I spend most of my day refreshing my Twitter feed, searching for a distraction from the fear that I’ll never do anything meaningful with my life. Good job Corinne, good job Gloria Steinem, good job Riot Grrrrl Revolution of the early 90s, good job world. We did it.

Despite the weird, desperate hopes of Taylor and Sarah, Corinne does not go home this week. Nick knows that sending Corinne home would mean sending half of America home, metaphorically. I can’t imagine many viewers intend to stay past Corinne’s symbolic burial. She is the lifeblood of the show, flowing through its veins like an incurable disease.

Sometimes the women on this show get to go cool places like Bali or a beach town in Mexico, and sometimes they go to Waukesha, Wisconsin to milk cows. Nick brings all the ladies to Waukesha to meet his mom and see all the places where he learned to kiss with his eyes closed (it was a process). This is where Nick, bereft of human instinct, learned to perform basic “person” acts like tell a joke and indicate to a woman he would like to touch his pee-pee to her vee-vee.

Nick chooses unlucky Danielle L. to go on the one-on-one date, which will mostly consist of serendipitously running into his ex-girlfriend through the window of a Starbucks. Nick encourages his ex to list to Danielle all the reasons Nick is a real human being and not three thousand centipedes stacked on top of each other, and she complies. Not shown: the barrel of a gun held just out of frame by one of Nick’s favorite producers, Cindy.

What can we say? When love feels like magic, it’s called destiny. When destiny has a sense of humor, it’s called serendipity. 

Danielle L. has a tiresome, almost loping laugh that sounds something like “hu-HAH, hu-HAH,” and she employs it generously throughout her cookie-making, ex-girlfriend-hanging, dinner-having, Chris Lane-listening date with Nick. It’s the kind of laugh that would make someone say “And I said, If you laugh that laugh one more time … And she did. So I took the shotgun off the wall and fired two warning shots. In. To. Her. Head.“

But who knows. Everyone has a different trigger (GET IT???????).

Anyway, Danielle L tells Nick her biggest flaw is that her parents are divorced, but I would argue that Danielle L’s biggest flaw is that the president of her country is a raging, narcissistic sociopath intent upon hastening the already inevitable destruction of the Earth. Which is also Nick’s biggest flaw and mine and yours.

I mean, as long as this is the metric by which we’re quantifying our biggest flaws.

Anyway, Danielle L tells Nick her biggest flaw is that her parents are divorced, but I would argue that Danielle L’s biggest flaw is that the president of her country is a raging, narcissistic sociopath intent upon hastening the already inevitable destruction of the Earth. Which is also Nick’s biggest flaw and mine and yours.

The next day, Nick brings the other women minus one raven-haired Raven to hang out on a farm. Despite claiming that he hung out at farms quite often growing up, Nick is incapable of handling a simple pair of teats. Jaimi, The Bachelor’s version of a militant lesbian character, puts him to shame. The ease with which Jaimi handles cow teats is almost enough to make you feel better about the fact that the White House deleted the LGBTQ page from its website! “Whaddya mean, the queer community is thriving, look at Jaimi from The Bachelor! She made out with a girl once!”

Corinne does not want to be on this group date. She wants to be in a nice spa being fed a taco. Preferably chicken. She hates farm chores. What even are farm chores? She wouldn’t even make her nanny Raquel do farm chores. That’s how bad farm chores are.

Corinne has never done a chore. She woke up one day at the age of 18, a perfect sexual being with a body like juicy, buttery corn, and immediately began running a multi-million-dollar business.

This season’s Russian spy, Christina, personally attacks Corinne for no reason, telling her that she naps a lot, and no one here is okay with it but Corinne shuts down Christina’s argument with statistics: Abraham Lincoln napped, Michael Jordan napped, Corinne naps. 

FACTS AIN’T DEAD YET BITCHES!!!!

At this point, Christina has basically been totally owned by Corinne so all that’s left to do is go find Nick and try to talk to him about how she “likes to have fun but it wasn’t always that way, would you like to hear about my Russian childhood, it’s a chilling story.” Nick definitely wants to hear about Christina’s Russian childhood, but only if there’s time left over after they make out, which there isn’t. Christina doesn’t reach any sort of emotional catharsis about her adolescent development, but she does get the group date rose, which itself is its own form of transcendence. 

Photo courtesy of ABC

Photo courtesy of ABC

The next one-on-one date goes to Raven from Arkansas. Nick takes Raven to his 11-year-old sister’s soccer game. Bella has grown since we first met her at the age of seven. She’s more world-weary now, less trusting and more accustomed to strange, beautiful women dipping in and out of her brother’s life. She thinks of Andi and Kaitlyn from time to time but without much fondness. Bella is learning, slowly but surely, that the world is a vampire, and despite all her rage, she’s still just a rat in a cage.

There’s not much Raven can do to impress Nick’s family, and there’s also not much she can do to not impress Nick’s family. Nick’s parents are more concerned with the immense energy it takes to perform a relationship in front of a camera that’s hungry for human emotion, authentic or otherwise. The sweeping language with which ABC discusses the subtleties of marriage exhaust his parents, but they’ve learned to keep their mouths shut and to refrain from bringing up the pain that riddles long-time marital companionship. Save that for seasons 1 through 3 of Mad Men. This is a show built of clean, neat lines.

At dinner, Raven describes in great detail the moment she walked in on her ex-boyfriendslamming another woman with impunity.

“He was actually on top of her, thrusting,” said Raven. “I know what her vagina looks like.”

I wonder: Would it have been less devastating for Raven if the strange woman had been on top? If the minutiae of the strange woman’s vagina hadn’t been burned into Raven’s mind, to revisit her with alarming frequency in her dreams?

Humans are funny that way. A kiss — forgivable. A boob grab — let’s talk about it. Deep, penetrative thrusting — how could you.

For the record, Nick has never cheated on anyone.

At the cocktail party that night, we once again witness Corinne living deliciously. She does not need an invitation from Black Phillip — she is a witch in her own right. If only there weren’t so many broken bitches constantly stepping to her, she could shine without interference. Relatively sober, Corinne takes Nick aside and assures him that the drama with the other women isn’t going to affect her relationship with him. Nick’s not sure what to do with sober Corinne, and their entire interaction feels like they’ve both run into their Friday night slam-piece during Monday morning study hall. Needless to say, the ultra-evolved pheromones emitted by Corinne’s vagina let her down tonight. 

Join us next week to find out which lucky lady has to rely on Nick Viall to meet all of her sexual and emotional needs for the rest of her life. 


becky scott

Becky Scott is a writer based in New York who loves The Bachelor and is great at giving humorous advice.