It gets lonely at the top so Beyoncé announced today that she’s gifting herself with not one but two tiny infants to keep her company alongside Blue Ivy and Jay. Congratulations Beyoncé, but more importantly, congratulations America. Here’s why Beyoncé’s pregnancy will help Americans cope with their crumbling nation-state.
1. There will be two more rich liberals in the world.
While Donald Trump’s idea of charity is going down on Melania for her birthday, Beyoncé and Jay-Z put a big chunk of their wealth towards Hurricane Katrina survivors and earthquake victims. Did you know Jay-Z bailed out dozens of Black Lives Matter protesters in Baltimore? Or that Beyoncé donated her entire salary from Cadillac Records to a rehabilitation center for recovering drug addicts? With the advent of these two tiny human beings, both of whom stand to inherit millions of dollars from several world tours, there are likely to be two more rich liberals in the world. And when Trump redirects the entire federal budget to fund Ivanka’s fashion line of gold couture butt plugs, we’re going to need Beyoncé’s twins to pay for Social Security and the DIY space your friend Benja is trying to get up and running in Bushwick. George Soros can’t do it alone!
2. The twins won’t grow up to be adult white people.
White people are what got us into this mess and, let’s be honest, they probably won’t be what gets us out. The last thing America needs is more white people right now.
3. This means Beyoncé and Jay-Z are still having sex.
Fascism isn’t a great backdrop for sexual relations—why do you think there are so few pornography period pieces set in 1930s Germany on xhamster.com??? During times of unique terror, it can start to feel like nobody’s fucking. So there’s something comforting about the knowledge that Jay-Z and Beyoncé are still making time and space to perform their marital duties, especially after the very public tumult of their last year together. It’s almost enough to make you want to get back on Tinder and swipe right on every guy with a dog in his profile picture.
4. This pregnancy could lead to another Witch Mountain remake.
Witch Mountain is one of the best movies of the 20th century and in an America where both witches and mountains are at risk, it deserves to be remade with a different set of twins every year. There’s no reason it shouldn’t be remade with these ones.
5. Maybe Earth can handle one more generation.
I trust Beyoncé’s judgment unequivocally, and if she thinks the earth will last long enough to support one more generation of life, so do I. This is the permission from God we’ve been waiting for! Go forth and populate the earth with your seed, y’all. From Generation X to Generation Y to the Finale Generation.
Becky Scott is a writer based in New York who loves The Bachelor and is great at giving humorous advice.