The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's America // Week Eight


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Welcome back to The Bachelor, the show where four women risk it all by giving their home address to a near-stranger who might become their husband.

This is the hometown episode, and it starts in Hoxie, Arkansas, which I can’t help but suspect is not actually Raven’s hometown or, really, anybody’s hometown. Raven takes Nick to the water tower, which is where the non-existent citizens of Hoxie go to have “meaningful conversations.” Nick is like “how many meaningful conversations have you had here,” and Raven is like “You couldn’t COUNT that high bitch,” and Nick, justifiably, is hoping that Raven might have a meaningful conversation with him. Unfortunately, they’re interrupted by her brother dressed like a cop probably on his way home from some weird sex party in Little Rock.

After their not-at-all-natural conversation with Raven’s brother, Nick and Raven romp in the mud rivers of the South, paying no heed to the destruction of their clothing. “Raven is a beautiful woman, and she has more personality than you could imagine,” says Nick as Raven forces his struggling body to the mud floor.

Then Raven takes Nick back to set — I mean, her family’s real-life home — where we meet her father and her father’s wife, Peg (or something). The vibe is pretty melancholic, which is weird because her father immediately announces he is finally cancer-free. Maybe I’m mistaking melancholia for the bittersweet satisfaction of putting off death for yet one more day.   

Anyway, Raven’s family gets relatively little screen time, thank God, as I am constantly micromanaging my emotions and this family’s vibes are very destabilizing.

Next up is Rachel’s family in Dallas, Texas. Rachel brings Nick to her predominantly black church, and the preacher asks him “Have you ever been in this space before?” and Nick is like “Uh, not this space,” and that pretty much sets the tone for the evening.

Rachel’s mom also acknowledges the “climate” that has of late pushed the boundaries of the racist acts and ideas that American white people now feel comfortable claiming publicly instead of behind closed doors. This is the first time anyone on this show has even hinted that there’s trouble a-brewin’ in the U.S. of A. and that it looks a little like nationalist-fueled fascism spearheaded by white men afraid of ceding power to women and POC!!!!

Rachel brings Nick to meet her family, and everyone immediately acknowledges that Nick is a pasty, featureless thing. But it’s okay — he’s not the only one. In fact, Rachel’s sister’s Caucasian husband is the one who tells Nick that he “can’t help but notice you’re a white.” Nick sits down and has some frank discussions about interracial dating and marriage with the ladies of Rachel’s family. When Nick says the color of Rachel’s skin doesn’t matter to him, her sister is like “Uh, that’s great in theory, but …” and all around the country, hundreds of thousands of viewers sit in shocked silence as they learn for the first time why “not seeing color” is, in fact, “not possible,” nor will the sentiment get us any closer to a non-racist society.

Of course, it’s possible I’m not giving American viewers enough credit, but let’s be real, Putin didn’t make Donald Trump the leader of the free world all by himself.

Anyway, Nick seems to have a very difficult time saying “black women.” He says it like this every time: “um, black women.”

Rachel’s mom also acknowledges the “climate” that has of late pushed the boundaries of the racist acts and ideas that American white people now feel comfortable claiming publicly instead of behind closed doors. This is the first time anyone on this show has even hinted that there’s trouble a-brewin’ in the U.S. of A. and that it looks a little like nationalist-fueled fascism spearheaded by white men afraid of ceding power to women and POC!!!!

And yes, white women are perpetuating their own oppression by placing their interest in white supremacy above that of their interest in fucking the patriarchy!!!!

WOOOOOOO!!!

Anyway, Rachel’s family is a delight and emanates several times the joy of Raven’s. Can’t wait to see them again next season.

The show moves as gracefully as can be expected from the politics of interracial dating into Corinne spending $3,400 on clothes. She gives us some invaluable shopping advice:

“Get a salesperson. Make that person your person. Give them everything.”

A fun fact about me: I love Miami. I LOVE Miami, and I am going to miss it dearly when it slips beneath the sea. The cocktails there are five times bigger than cocktails anywhere else, and the water is warm like a bathtub, and the people motherfucking LOVE TO DANCE. I have been there approximately one time, but I can still smell the ocean air even now as I type this.

After dropping several thousand dollars on ugly hats, Corinne takes Nick to a bar and tells him she has fallen in love with him.

This, of course, is not true. There is no way on God’s green earth that Corinne has any love left over after giving so much of it to her nanny, Raquel. Still, I desperately hope they end up together somehow. Perhaps one day America will look back on this relationship the way we look back on that of Clark Gable and Carole Lombard: doomed from the start, fated to destruction, but unbearably beautiful all the same.

Watching reality television stars interact with their non-reality television star families tends to humanize them, and Corinne’s family is not an exception. Her father is the one who appears to have instilled in Corinne a love of drinking. They have the most natural father-daughter relationship I have ever seen, one entirely devoid of the creepy sexual undertones that you so often see in White Christian America (I mean, come on … purity balls?).

Corinne’s daddy is, however, rightfully concerned about how Nick is going to fund Corinne’s lifestyle on a software salesman’s salary. And Corinne, perfect feminist Corinne, says FUCK U DADDY I WILL TAKE CARE OF HIM. Can you imagine? Nick, sunning himself on a chaise lounge next to the pool while Corinne is off running a multi-million-dollar business? Because I can.

In fact, for having produced such a fanciful little girl, Corinne’s mother and father are remarkably pragmatic. While Mr. Corinne is worried about his daughter surviving on a software salesman salary, Mrs. Corinne is busy reminding her daughter that this show is a fantasy and nothing is real.

I don’t recall anyone in Hoxie, Arkansas, warning Nick and Raven about the practicalities of love.

Next up is Vanessa and her classroom full of special-needs students. When Vanessa arrives to the school with Nick in tow, all of her students, overcome by the excitement of seeing their beautiful, beloved schoolmarm after so many months, immediately burst into tears. Despite myself, I am touched by the moment.

That doesn’t mean Vanessa isn’t still boring.  

Vanessa’s parents are divorced, and she first brings Nick to her mother’s house where what seems like hundreds of people are packed into the living room for dinner.  There is love and joy and family everywhere, and for a moment, I don’t question why we’re all here on Earth.  

Then they go to her dad’s home, and it’s terrifying and lonely, and I immediately think, wow, what a feminist depiction of divorce. Let’s see the New York Post pick up THAT STORY.

Nick doesn’t know how to navigate divorced households and drank a little too much a little too early, or as my roommate Phil who tangentially watches the show because I do says, “Ryan is lifted right now.”

Nick barely makes it through his conversation with Vanessa’s dad, and Vanessa’s dad is like “we don’t have this show in Italy, and honestly I’m over whatever you’re saying to me right now.”

Does anyone believe Vanessa is equally close with both of her parents? Because I’m beginning to have major doubts.

Join us next week to see if Katy Perry’s of-late social justice awakening is going to end with her running naked through the streets of New York exploding millions of dollars in cash through a t-shirt gun, screaming “WAKE UP SHEEPLE, MONEY IS A CONSTRUCT!”


Becky Scott is a writer based in New York who loves The Bachelor and is great at giving humorous advice.