Everybody is talking about buzzy, young, upstart Jonathan Ossoff. The 30-year-old Democrat narrowly missed winning in a Republican-dominated Atlanta district Wednesday and will take on Republican Karen Handel in a June face-off.
But there’s an elephant in the room. A big one. A sexy one. A big, sexy elephant. And nobody is saying it so I will:
Jon Ossoff is smoking hot.
Let me clarify—he is FINE AS HELL. He’s Jonathan Taylor Thomas for adults. He’s the intellectual offspring of Wolverine and Marion Cotillard. He’s every girl’s favorite camp counselor, your older brother’s super hot best friend, the stranger who sits across from you on your morning commute, making his way slowly through Infinite Jest.
Looks alone are not going to save us from Kim Jong-Un, and that’s why I limited myself to a single tweet about Hillary Clinton’s post-election leather jacket debut. It’s why I don’t talk about how Josh Earnest makes me feel, and it’s why I’ve stopped Google Imaging Kirsten Gillibrand. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times: you can’t pray the gay away, and you can’t sexy-wink $1.4 trillion of American student loan debt away.
But that doesn’t explain why not one article about Ossoff mentioned the fact that he has the smile of the Dawson’s Creek character we never had and always deserved. After all, Justin Trudeau’s emergence onto the political scene merited what felt like hundreds of thousands of think-pieces about his chiseled jaw and smoldering gaze. Ossoff’s sex appeal is the dialed back response to Trudeau’s garish Disney prince act. Doesn’t he deserve at least a listicle paying homage to his various body parts?
Ossoff’s sex appeal is the dialed back response to Trudeau’s garish Disney prince act. Doesn’t he deserve at least a listicle paying homage to his various body parts?
America has managed to disappoint in a lot of ways since white people wrested it from the American Indians via genocide five hundred years ago. We have the highest healthcare costs and lowest life expectancy of any developed nation. We elected to the highest office in the land a man who couldn’t write a Sparknotes-sourced book report about The Fountainhead even if you held an open-carry gun to his dick. And our current Attorney General doesn't know that Hawaii was violently annexed by the United States in 1898.
But there’s something especially upsetting about the fact that, amid all the talk of “where Ossoff stands” on “certain controversial issues,” not a single political journalist noticed that Jon Ossoff looks like he smells of whiskey and freshly carved wood.
My question is: what is the media trying to hide? And can we really trust them anymore?
I don’t have all the answers but I’m not afraid to report on the facts and the fact is this: Jon Ossoff could get it. He could definitely get it.
Becky Scott is a writer based in New York who loves The Bachelor and is great at giving humorous advice.