Welcome back to The Bachelorette, the first show to so proudly host known emotional adulterer Ashton Kutcher since the Justin Timberlake episode of Punk’d.
If you did indeed tune in last night, you might have gone to bed wondering: WTF just happened?????
What happened is this: Whaboom Lucas, childless brand, beat out Kenny, professional wrestler/father, in the cruelest of relay races. The race, devised by Mila Kunis and her husband, was a test to see which of the men on Rachel’s first one-on-one was husband material.
What is “husband material”? That depends on what you understand to be the husband’s purpose in a home. According to Mila Kunis, feminist of truly respectable proportions, a husband’s purpose (not to be confused with the classic film “A Dog’s Purpose") is to vacuum, change diapers, and pull a hairball out of a clogged sink with the baby strapped to his chest. In this respect, Mila and I are on the same level. One way we are not alike is I would have promptly disqualified Whaboom Lucas for repeatedly submerging his plastic babies’ head beneath the water in the germ-filled sink.
Blake is like a three-year-old who has been given a detective kit meant for infants. Can you imagine having to live with Whaboom’s ex-girlfriend in order to figure out he’s here to promote Whaboom and not for Rachel’s heart?
Whaboom Lucas was not disqualified, and the end of the group date saw Rachel, a woman whose grace and beauty rivals that of Mila, walking away with the least sexually desirable man of the bunch. It was a sad moment in paradise.
Later that night, Blake confronts Whaboom Lucas about the real reasons for his presence on the show.
“What’s the difference between Whaboom and Lucas?” asks Blake, who, as it turns out, lives with Whaboom Lucas’ ex-girlfriend.
“There is none,” says Whaboom Lucas, with that very on-brand sense of frankness.
Blake then decides he has to discuss his suspicions that Whaboom Lucas isn’t here for the right reasons with Rachel in order to protect her heart and ensure she doesn’t make a decision she’ll regret.
Blake is like a three-year-old who has been given a detective kit meant for infants. Can you imagine having to live with Whaboom’s ex-girlfriend in order to figure out he’s here to promote Whaboom and not for Rachel’s heart? Can you imagine genuinely believing that Rachel thinks Whaboom is here to fall in love with her, and WHAT’S MORE can you imagine fearing that Rachel will choose him over Josiah, Bryan, Kenny, MY GOD EVEN FREDDY P?????
Men like Blake are why being a heterosexual woman is unsustainable.
Kenny sums up the second half of the night aptly: “I’m a professional wrestler, I know about white dudes acting crazy.”
On an unrelated note, Rachel gives the group date rose to Dean, a 25-year-old start-up recruiter (??????????????????).
The second date is Rachel’s one-on-one with Pete. Pete didn’t make much of an appearance in the first episode and is one of those guys who is so suspiciously good-looking and kind-hearted that you can’t help but assume he’s a serial killer. Three-legged puppy/BABE Copper gets to go on this date with them, which starts in a private plane and ends at Barkfest, a big party for little baby doggies. Peter is really fucking hot, but you can barely tell because there are six million perfect doggies running around. It’s a 10/10 date—Copper overcomes his fear of the water, and Pete and Rachel bond over their shared teeth gaps.
Good job all around, producers.
Later, Rachel takes Pete and Copper to see some fireworks, which is low-key disrespectful because dogs are terrified of fireworks, but I can forgive her for this one tiny thing. Pete and Rachel seem to vibe pretty hard, but I’m still rooting for Josiah.
The next day, Rachel takes the rest of the men on a group date to play basketball with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, who is big AF and weirdly old. For a second, I think Kareem Abdul-Jabbar might be The One but contractually Rachel’s not allowed to hit that, and he’s probably too old for her anyway.
After the men play for a gym full of high school students, who should show up but DeMario’s seething ex. His ex, whose name has been lost to time already, is mad because he disappeared, and then three days later she saw him on television charming Rachel in front of a live audience. So, as one does, she decided to contact the producers and set about to ruin probably one of the coolest things that has ever happened to him.
Of course, most of these men probably have women back home who they left abruptly with little to no explanation. They’re hot, they’re successful (for the most part), and there’s absolutely zero viable reason any of them should be single if they are, in fact, hell-bent on finding love. Which is part of their contract, is it not?
Still, most of these exes are not willing to go on television and make a fool out of themselves for the sake of revenge. Unfortunately, DeMario gets unlucky. He tries to talk his way out of it, but lawyers make unforgiving played women, and Rachel tells him to “get the fuck out.”
God, I love her.
That night, the men gather round and Rachel confides in them about her shaken faith. Several of these men lean in hard to their performed empathy, but none so adeptly as Josiah who earns himself the group date rose. The night ends with DeMario at the gate of the mansion, two security guards on call, as if the fact that he was smashing another girl mere days before coming to L.A. renders him now dangerous.
Join us next week to find out if DeMario’s ex-girlfriend gets a spin-off show.