Another day, another totally calm conversation that ABC sold to us as a bloody beatdown in the teasers.
But it’s okay! I’m not mad! I’m just happy I get to be here at all, in America, where I have the freedom to choose between a MULTITUDE of television shows!
If you want bloody beatdowns, turn on Animal Planet, ladies, because it ain’t happenin’ here. That’s not a prediction — that’s the rule of law. Do you have any idea how many people dream of getting on to The Bachelor, provoking the largest contestant into a wrestling match, and then suing ABC for the full cost of their student loans?
Anyway, what happened last night? Something happened, but not like they promised it would. Kenny spoke to Lee in a calm, adult fashion. Lee sniveled and snorkeled and snorted and snived like an evil Elf-on-the-Shelf who’s been watching every move Kenny makes and reporting lies back to Kenny’s mother, Rachel.
Okay, this simile got away from me. But it’s not too far off from what actually happened.
After Kenny and Lee agreed that they were definitely not friends, Will took Lee aside to give him a short racial history of America.
“You have to understand, Lee,” said Will, taking care to enunciate every word. “There’s a long history in America of calling black men ‘aggressive’ in order to justify doing certain things to them.”
Like shoot and kill them, Lee. But Will doesn’t say that, or maybe he does and ABC cut it for all the children and sensitive white people watching out there.
Lee does NOT understand, nor does he try particularly hard to understand. Instead, he accuses Kenny of playing the race card.
At this point, other things happen, chronologically, but I’m not sure how or what so let’s jump to the next catastrophe: Rachel’s date with Jack.
Nobody understood why Rachel chose Jack for a date because, quite frankly, he is neither particularly attractive nor charismatic. But today, we find out the reason: he is from Dallas, he is an attorney, and one other thing.
I can’t remember it all, you guys. Remember that I am going back and forth between this show and the new season of RHONY; I’m not a machine.
Anyway, Jack, who no one has heard of before this episode, lives up to the reputation we’ve given him via six seconds of onscreen time. Rachel looks like she’s enduring the worst form of suffering. She reminds me of me on every Internet date I’ve ever attended.
“Does your dad have a good sense of humor? Does he joke a lot?” says Jack, clearly under the impression that he is slaying it right now.
“Yes but you have to know him to see that side of him,” says Rachel, annoyed that she’s here with a caricature of a straight man while Bryan and Peter are probably getting it on in the hot tub back at the mansion.
“I feel like I know your dad,” says Jack.
THEN Rachel asks Jack, if he could take her back to Dallas right now, what would they do? And Jack tells her he would take her to his room, lock the door — LOCK THE DOOR — and they would just “talk.”
And that’s when Rachel knows the time has come to break Jack’s heart.
At the cocktail party that night, Rachel lets go of Iggy the Snitch and The Tickle Monster.
I will not miss Iggy but The Tickle Monster will find love very soon. I can feel it. His biological clock—as exhibited by his incessant need to tickle women — is begging for children.
Inexplicably, Lee gets to hang around for another week.
The group then heads to Oslo, home of the Vikings, where Rachel takes Bryan on a ski rappel adventure. The two of them rappel down some large structure, taking a short break to make out in the middle of the journey.
Rachel’s (and my own) primary issue with Bryan is that he doesn’t make any sense. He’s gorgeous, tall, built, sexy, handsome, and single. THAT is a math problem that simply doesn’t work. He also has a job and can sing Despacito without an awkward American accent.
There’s no reason he shouldn’t be married to a French model with a decent personality.
Instead, he’s on 'The Bachelorette’ and Rachel is right to fear he’s here for fame or money or to secretly win Chris Harrison’s heart.
Still, beauty is a powerful drug, and Rachel finds her concerns slipping away with every tongue-kiss anew. Bryan is safe for now.
On the group date the next day, the boys play handball which is, apparently, a thing in Norway. The most interesting thing that happens during this scene is that Dean wears his jock strap outside of his uniform, presumably as a joke, but nobody references it as a joke and therefore it just appears to be him exercising his right to freedom of expression.
That night, Rachel spends a cumulative 20 minutes talking to the other boys about their feelings and such before retiring to the hot tub with Peter for 3 ½ hours. This is what happens when you hire a 31-year-old bachelorette—she knows what she wants and isn’t willing to pretend that she doesn’t just so your dumb television show can have good ratings.
That’s not to say Rachel doesn’t play the game a little bit. After her hot tub romp, she ends up giving the rose to Will for being good at sports, instead of Peter for being good at making out in the hot tub.
Thus, we arrive at the dreaded twosome date with Kenny and his racist foil, Lee. Poor Kenny just wants to FaceTime his daughter. He never signed up to deflect accusations of aggression from a squirrelly demon boy.
Alas, we don’t always get what we want and today, Kenny is getting something he really doesn’t want: alone time with Rachel and Lee. But mostly Lee.
This date, like all twosome dates, takes place in the woods, far from where anyone can save them. It appears to be roughly 12 degrees, and Rachel can barely forge a connection with her suitors over the sound of her chattering teeth.
Still, they’re a strong troupe of soldiers and, despite the cold, manage to move the drama forward as a team. Kenny tells Rachel Lee is a liar, Lee tells Rachel Kenny is violent, Rachel tells Kenny Lee says he’s violent, Kenny tells Rachel Lee is a liar (again), and then Kenny tells Lee Rachel told him Lee told her Kenny is violent.
Can you IMAGINE doing all of this in the middle of some wintry, Nordic woods?
Because we live in a country that doesn’t recognize the rights of television recappers, there will be yet another episode airing tonight.
Join me tomorrow to find out whether Lee will sue ABC for the full cost of his student loans.