Like all great things, this episode starts out in the middle of the woods with a racist and two late-millennials set on destroying everything he loves.
In this case, Lee loves attention, and Rachel strips it from him by kickin’ him the FUCK off the island. No more cameras for you, psycho! Unfortunately, Kenny, who is a man and thereby weak, can’t stop himself from giving Lee just a tiny bit of attention before he leaves in Rachel’s helicopter.
This pisses Rachel off because that’s three whole minutes of time Kenny could have spent making Rachel fall in love with him, and that time is, in case you didn’t know, severely limited. These dudes have like ten hours each, tops, with Rachel before one is expected to propose.
That night, Rachel is like, Kenny why did you go back to Lee and leave me waiting in the helicopter for three minutes like a goddamn IDIOT, and Kenny was like, I had to let Lee know that God loves everyone, even racist elves, and he still has time to get into heaven. Rachel, and America, seemed to be sated by that response and Kenny was spared the chopping block—for now.
At the cocktail party, we meet for the first time two white men named, respectively, Adam and Matt. I had heard rumors of Matt’s existence on the show due to a friend who works at the newspaper in his hometown asking me every Tuesday whether he was still in the running and literally never once knowing who she was talking about or whether he was still on the show.
Today, I can finally answer her with confidence: Yes, Matt from Meriden, Connecticut, is somehow still among the final seven men even though we’ve never once seen him interact with Rachel.
Those who aren’t so lucky: Josiah and … I want to call him Anthony.
Before you say it, I know I could look this up, but why ruin the fun?????
Josiah’s departure was sudden and doesn’t follow any of the usual patterns. He’s been a massive presence on the show up to this point, along with his perfect abs, and while we knew he wouldn’t end up with Rachel for good, this move surely f’d up a vast number of Bachelorette fantasy league teams. Every lady I know had Josiah in their top four.
Of course, now that it’s done, it makes complete sense. Rachel Lindsay isn’t a normal Bachelorette. She’s older—31 to be exact—and she’s smart as hell, and she doesn’t take any shit. She was teaching Josiah, who has never once asked her a question about herself, a lesson. She is the beautiful, popular girl who publicly shames the beautiful, popular boy into being a better human being by choosing the nerd with the heart of gold instead.
Except in this case, the nerd with the heart of gold is Bryan. And Peter. And Dean. And Eric.
Can we talk about Eric, you guys? Is there a man upon whom clothes look better? Is there a man who wears scarves like he does? Nay, say I! And I say this with the confidence of someone who just watched him explore Copenhagen with Rachel Lindsay.
I’m getting ahead of myself: the next stop on Rachel’s tour de husband is Copenhagen. She takes Eric on a one-on-one to explore the city via boat, hot tub, and amusement park, and there simply isn’t a couple that has a better aesthetic. Eric and Rachel look like they just stepped out of a J.Crew Europe catalogue and have been let loose to run wild on the streets of the Vikings’ hometown.
They also go to Tivoli, the oldest amusement park in the world. I have been to Tivoli. It is enchanting and not a difficult place to fall in love.
Eric is hot. What can I say? Rachel thinks so, too. He gets a rose for being cool and sexy.
Back at the mansion, the boys, including the two white men we met ten minutes ago, are getting ready for their date. The date card has some Vikings pun on it, and sure enough, the date itself is a Viking-themed boat ride followed by a Viking-themed battle to the death.
Poor, physically inferior Dean struggles to impress on this date, possibly because he hasn’t reached his full height yet. Stand-out superstars include Kenny, who I will take this opportunity to remind you is a PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER and should not be given a cookie for being good at doing Viking shit, and Adam, one of the white men who, apparently, has been here the whole time.
Kenny wins but not before both of them give each other cracks to the forehead that result in the bloody injury that, for weeks, was sold to us as the result of a Kenny/Lee showdown.
“It’s not like we lied!!!!” ABC might say, cackling with delight at their own hubris.
I feel played but whatever.
Anyway, it’s all for naught because one of the producers probably told Rachel that Kenny sobs—I mean SOBS—whenever he FaceTimes his daughter, and Rachel tells Kenny he should probably just go home and hang out with her because she’s not his number one pick for life partner.
I will miss Kenny, a lot. In a way, it felt like he was all of our dads, you know what I mean?
Next up: Will, the intellectual who grew up with all white people and typically dates white women. Rachel takes him to Sweden where they struggle to make conversation. All seasons of The Bachelor/ette involve some level of awkwardness on the bad dates, but Rachel Lindsay takes it to that next level. If she doesn’t feel you giving 50 percent, she will give zero percent, and you will find yourself on the clocktower of some Swedish building side-by-side in total silence.
At dinner, Will breaks it to Rachel that he grew up amongst mostly white people and therefore dates mostly white women, and Rachel is like, I also grew up amongst mostly white people, bitch, and I dated mostly black men.
She sends Will home.
Again, somehow Matt and Adam, WHO WE MET FOR THE FIRST TIME IN EPISODE SIX, are still in the running to be Rachel’s husband.
When will the twist stop twisting?
Join me next week to find out anything—literally one single thing—about the rogue white boys who’ve joined the ranks of Rachel’s lovers.