Welcome back to The Bachelorette, the only show that makes me want to die every time I watch it.
This episode, Rachel Lindsay, four men, and two strangers fly to Geneva to fall in love even further.
To kick off their stay in Geneva, Rachel Lindsay takes Bryan on a luxury date. He gets to drive a Bentley around the city and she buys him a watch to "symbolize the connection they've built so far."
In exchange for buying him a watch (to symbolize the connection they’ve built so far), Rachel asks Bryan to get real with her for a second about his family. He tells her he grew up in a happy home except that he was sent away to a private school for boys in the fourth grade for asking his parents if he could get an earring, which seems like an extraordinarily harsh punishment.
He also tells a somewhat vague story about how his mother ruined his last relationship but leaves out crucial details like, why did your ex-girlfriend hate your mother so much? What did your mother DO to your ex-girlfriend?
What if Brian's mom is, like, a lizard?
It's possible Rachel likes the admonition that his mother might be a serial abuser of women because it dulls the edges of her constant fear that he's too good to be true.
What perplexes me about that particular fear is that she never once voices it about Peter who is, clearly clearly clearly, too good to be even partially true. Did you see the way his skin glowed on those snowy mountains??
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Back at the mansion, Adam and Matt are infuriatingly still here. Adam talks as if we've known who he is this whole time — which, to be fair, he probably thinks we do!! He's been here for weeks, putting in mandatory face time with these cameras, being manipulated by producers, forging very real friendships with the other men. There's no reason we shouldn't know who he is by now.
Matt is a whole other story. His facial hair is positively mesmerizing.
That's the story. That's the whole story.
Dean gets the next one on one date, which disappoints the other men but little do they know what a bullet they've dodged. Rachel takes smiley, happy, something-dark-beneath-the-surface Dean to a Catholic church where the entire service is conducted in French.
Let me say that one more time. Rachel takes Dean to a CATHOLIC church where the entire service is conducted in FRENCH.
Neither of them are Catholic. Neither of them speak French.
"We can leave if it sucks," says Rachel but no. No, you can't quietly slip out of a Sunday church service with twelve bobbing cameras at your back.
Dean is a good sport because he has to be because he knows the United States is watching. But one does have to wonder: does he know Bryan got to drive a Bentley to a luxury watch store on his date?
Anyway, Dean spends the morning inwardly freaking the fuck out because it's clear he had no idea he'd actually make it to the top four and now has to bring Rachel home to meet his family.
Dean does NOT seem to like his family. At all. Like, if I spoke the way he speaks about his family about MY family on national television, my mom would close the door of my life and spend the rest of her own sobbing quietly.
But don't worry I would never because my mom is THE BEST.
Dean's mom is, sadly, passed and his dad, according to the promos, wears a turban. We, in fact, will find out more about that development next week because Rachel and Dean talk about his feelings and he explains to Rachel that she is definitely not going to like his family.
Rachel tells Dean she HAS a family and doesn't need his but it's unclear whether she really feels that way. After all, who doesn't secretly want to marry into the kind of family that screen prints matching t-shirts for family reunion weekend?
Dean seems very fragile. He seems like the kind of boy women immediately want to mother.
The next one on one date goes to massively, stupendously gorgeous Peter. Peter goes on his very first helicopter ride to the top of the Swiss Alps where eight perfect doggos are waiting for them.
My first and foremost emotion regarding this date is that those dogs BETTER BE WELL TAKEN CARE OF. I shall henceforth be googling "The Bachelorette dog sledding dogs status of upkeep" once per day for the next year and I swear to GGGGGG if I see anything abusive I will personally STORM ABC Studios.
I'm talking physically well taken care of, emotionally, that dog sled guy better make sure their SPIRITUAL needs are being met, all of it.
ALL OF IT.
Anyway, Rachel and Peter seem very cold on this date and Peter starts crying while reliving the memory of walking out on his last girlfriend. The guilt, it seems, was overwhelming.
Let's talk about guilt and why it is not a valid reason to cry on The Bachelorette or anywhere.
I'm convinced guilt is a totally fake emotion, used by people both horrible and not to convince themselves they're a decent person.
Here's when you can bask in feelings of guilt: when you've accidentally run over a child on the highway.
Times you are NOT allowed to bask in your guilt: when you break up with someone. Move on. Get over it. Break ups happen. Nobody wants to dry your tears because guess what — YOU'RE THE ASSHOLE. Tears are reserved for the victim, you piece of shit. And guess what? If you DID do something reprehensible — like cheat or kill her mom or something — don't do it again.
Perhaps this is what bothers me most about expressed guilt. It all too often functions as a substitute for actually learning a lesson and applying that lesson to future relationships. Instead of doing the hard work of growing as a human being, some men would rather cry about what a bad human being they are and then continue to BE a bad human being. It's easier to be the damaged, irredeemable dude than it is to grow from your mistakes.
Save your tears for Madonna's comeback tour, SIR.
Anyway, Peter is still hot no matter what. And he gets the hometown rose he came for. And one of the dogs poops in motion which I'm not okay with but don't have the emotional space to fully process right now.
Next up is the three on one with, you guessed it, Eric, Adam, and Matt. There's no doubt Eric is salty about having been relegated to this threesome, as he should be. He's objectively hotter than these two — I'm talking next level, next LEAGUE — and he's already had a one on one with Rachel in which he rocked the kind of scarf that should've have sent him flying to the top two.
Rachel's outfit on this date is fire and that's one of the only important details I can remember. They take a boat to France where Rachel proceeds to tell Matt that he reminds her more of herself than anyone else and then sends him back to MERIDEN, CONNECTICUT BABY WOOOOO!
This is a jarring moment because, as an audience, we have been fully denied proof of the very interesting posit that Matt and Rachel are the same person. I would give anything for some sort of compilation of Matt's day-to-day so I can see for myself how similar to Rachel he is.
Then, Rachel pretends to reaaaaally struggle to choose between Adam and Eric which is, frankly, offensive to Eric. I suppose to be fair the confession that she'll be the first woman to make an appearance in Eric's mom's household is a bit intimidating but come on. If you can't choose between Adam and Eric NOW, Rachel, don't choose either.
Eric gets a rose but it's almost certain he'll survive for only one more episode, unless Dean's dad really freaks Rachel out.
Join us next week to find out whether Dean’s dad really freaks Rachel out.