Welcome back to my Bachelor blog, the only blog that seeks to dismantle the American oligarchy one journey of love at a time.
Guys, we need to talk about Arie.
It's difficult for a woman like me, who struggles to understand men as three-dimensional
human beings, to make sense of a man like Arie. He has the looks of a prince who has just been
rescued from the depths of a Florida swamp into which he was pulled hundreds of years ago to
wait for his one true love. His career credentials, while murky, are certainly superior to that of
"software developer" or "major player in the corn farming game."
Objectively, Arie fits the title of "Bachelor."
Subjectively, I don't think he's very interested in sex with women.
To be clear, I don't think he's interested in sex with men either. I don't think Arie is interested in sex, period.
Which is, again, not to say he's asexual. That term is too complicated for a man who seems
always to be playing Nintendo 64 or flying planes into the ocean in his head during
conversations with beautiful women.
It almost makes you long for the horny bastards of yesteryear who may not have listened to a
single word their lady suitors said but undressed the lot of them mentally at every single
cocktail party. As Joni Mitchell once said, you don't know what you've got till it's gone.
This week finds the ladies in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, home of the subversive beach body. Fort
Lauderdale is one of my offbrand safe spaces and the place to which I shall certainly alight
when I am too old to attract men in the tri-state area. Chelsea, the Mom™, gets the first one-
on-one date. Arie takes her on a big old yacht and then on some jet skis because he can't go 17
minutes without racing something around in circles.
At dinner, Chelsea tells him about her child's father, the kind of wealthy, older predator who
makes you relieved to be a stolid, reliable 6 1/2 out of 10. Arie’s eyelids flutter several times
over the course of her story as he seems to will himself not to fall asleep. Chelsea takes this as
extreme empathy and falls yet further in love.
The next day, Arie takes Tia on a boat through an alligator filled swamp. As a Southern woman,
Tia is not allowed to enjoy the kind of amenity filled date the other women get to go on.
Instead, like the Southern women who came before her, she must fall in love surrounded by
dirty nature and the threat of wild animals.
Tia is beautiful in a witchy way, which is the best way to be beautiful, and she doesn't giggle
after every breath that Arie lets out. She looks great in booty shorts and her long, healthy, brown hair indicates that she can give Arie lots and lots of strong babies. She has a story but I
forget it absolutely. I assume she was in a serious off roading accident that taught her not to
take a single moment for granted or that she was attacked by opossums during her first sexual
encounter and she has found it hard to be intimate with men ever since.
The next day, Arie takes the leftovers bowling, which is an "interesting" activity to choose when
I assume rollerblading down the Fort Lauderdale boardwalk was also an option. The ladies
choose teams and compete against each other for the prize of attending the after party with
their collective boyfriend. Or at least that's the prize until the team with the less hot players
wins and Arie changes his mind. He decides everybody deserves to go to the after party
because he wants to make out with Bekah.
Krystal is not about this. She protests his decision to allow the losing team to join the after
party by silently protesting in her room. When Arie finds out that she has decided not to come,
he takes the elevator all the way to her room to remind her that she's not allowed to be mad at him because he literally has 12 other women to choose from and he is her only choice.
Being reminded of this totally healthy and normal dynamic resonates with Krystal. She decides
her relationship is worth fighting for, puts on an off the shoulder top, and descends like the
willing gladiator she knows she can be. Unfortunately, the other women are so psychotically vicious that she is driven away before Arie even sees her.
A true Greek tragedy.
Are we having fun yet?
The rest of the episode sees Krystal holding her own, or rather whispering ineffectual defenses
of her behavior, against the other women, specifically Kendall the taxidermist and Bekah the
woman hater, both of whom were personally hurt by Krystal's decision not to come to the after
party. Instead of just saying, "listen, tiny bitches, it's really none of your business," she attempts
to justify her actions and soundly loses every argument.
Still, Arie keeps her around for one more week, instead dismissing the girl whose grandfather
died last week. All is fair in love and war.
Join me next week to find out whose criminal past is exposed when she attempts to use her
passport to cross the French border.