Welcome back to The Bachelor, the only show that romantically matches teachers and the female children they might have taught in elementary school.
I apologize for my absence last week, I can't begin to imagine how painful that must've been for
all of you. For anyone wondering, I thought I had a crippling disease so I spent the day in a panic
and then poured myself a plastic bottle full of wine and took the subway to Harlem to pick up
Xanax from my sister "just in case."
I'm still not sure I don';t have a crippling disease but now I have seven Xanax and also I've been reading a book about Buddhism so I'm in a marginally better place.
Last night was hard to watch. Who are any of these women? I will say this for Arie — he keeps
us on our feet. I have literally no idea which of these completely random teenagers he will
choose as his wife. By this point, most people in his position have clear favorites, which makes
sense since theoretically one of them will become a life companion and the others will become
people you made out with once in front of fireworks.
But not this gentleman. He is truly and honestly leaving the decision for the very end. This week brings the ladies to Tuscany, Italy. There's a significant space in my heart for Italy because I went there in October just before a massively traumatic event in my life so I will always think of it as the beautiful calm before the storm. It's one of those countries that has an unfair amount of beauty.
The elder Becca gets the first date. Arie takes the Minneapolis publicist to hang out with old Italian men who cook for them and low key sexually harass her. I dread to think how Times Up is playing out in Italy.
Arie isn't sure if he and Becca still have chemistry because he hasn't actually talked to her in like
over a month but by the end of the day they are making out on the wall of what appears to be
an Italian Castle which is a great way to assess whether life outside of this TV show will work for both of you. Five more minutes of make out footage and it’s official — Arie is going to Minneapolis.
The next one-on-one goes to Lauren, or as I like to call her "Last Lauren Standing."
One thing about Lauren: she suuuuuuuuuuucks.
It's hard to fully quantify how much Lauren sucks. It really goes to show that the charming personality you've so carefully cultivated to impress your Bumble dates means nothing. Lauren is like the Little Mermaid except without the excuse. She can talk — she just has nothing to say.
One of Lauren's favorite topics of conversation is to quietly meow whenever Arie makes a trite observation about their immediate surroundings. It is nothing short of painful to witness the lack of rapport between these two but hey — the man can't get enough.
After a day in which approximately 17 words were exchanged, Lauren works up the courage to
tell Arie that she is falling in love with him. Arie takes a confounding turn around the grounds, if
you will, to perhaps process the fact that this beautiful mannequin might one day consent to
sex with his body.
Of course, even when this man is expressing deep emotion, it's underwhelming. He appears to be in a constant state of having risen from his grave 10 minutes prior to haunt Planet Earth.
Congratulations anyway, I suppose.
Seinne is blessed with the third one on one of the week. She and Arie go on a hike with some
dogs to pick… Chestnuts? Anyway, they pick something and then they go to the home of an
Italian family and talk to them about love.
"The Bachelor" loves to pretend people in other countries haven't heard of modern technology
and that this makes them somehow wiser when it comes to matters of the heart. The truth is (and Mike Fleiss would never admit this) Italians use dating apps and sometimes they have bad sex. You would never know it, though, if everything you knew about Italians came from this show.
Sadly, the primitive Italian wisdom was not enough to save Seinne. Which seems to be OK with
her. The nicest thing Seinne has said about Arie this whole time is that she could maybe,
potentially, possibly see herself falling in love with somebody who looks vaguely like him. I think
Seinne was here for the free vacations and there's nothing wrong with that. I'm glad she got a
free trip to Paris and Italy — she deserved it more than Lauren has deserved anything in her life.
At some point, PhD student and the girl of every cigarette smoking, black coffee drinking,
philosophy majors' dream, Jacqueline, peaces out of there, probably because she has a paper
due or something.
Which brings us to our group date, featuring Bekah, Tia, and, somehow, Kendall.
That's right — Kendall is still here. Not only is she still here — she receives the first rose of the
date which means Arie will be visiting her hometown next week without once having ever taken
her on a one-on-one date.
I like Kendall. I like that she's a taxidermist and I like that she seems to have a real grasp on complex emotions. She's the kind of woman who will listen to you say the same thing 10 times until you have digested the emotion. I don't think she will win but to be perfectly honest, at this
point, anything can happen.
Tia attempts to softly sabotage Bekah's chances of winning — and succeeds! I think it shows real maturity on the part of Arie to let Bekah go before sleeping with her because it's very apparent that he would love the opportunity to sleep with her.
So there you have it — Tia, Lauren, Elder Becca, and taxidermist Kendall. Four seemingly random women. One moderately desirable man. Four geographic locations.
Join us next week to find out if Lauren's face moves.