The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's America: Week Two
Welcome to week two of The Bachelor, the show where one man gaslights a country into falling in The Bachelor The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's America: Week Two Bachelor, the show where one man gaslights a country into falling in love with him. This week kicks Brooklyn-based writer who enjoys buffalo wings and writing journalistic longform pieces on The Bachelor. Photo by ABC Can't get enough of Becky's humor? Follow her on Twitter. Welcome to week two of The on The Bachelor. And deep down, Liz knows this. She’s here, though, and that means she has to suck
The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's America // Week Seven
The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's America // Week Seven The Bachelor Photo Courtesy of ABC Can't get enough of Becky's humor? Follow her on Twitter. Welcome back to The Bachelor, the story of 30 women who are “literally trying to win over their fiancé.” I can now say with near certitude that Rachel Lindsay will debut next season as the franchise’s first black bachelorette. This is good news for obvious historical reasons but mainly because it means dearly beloved Rachel is not destined to spend her life with Slenderma — I mean, Nick. Congratulations, Rachel. We are all, literally, thrilled. Speaking of Slenderman, this episode opens with Nick crying and there does it go more often than any of us are comfortable. From the outset, it appears Nick is leaning in to the permission feminists gave men to express emotions other than anger (honestly, you’re not welcome). Still, one can’t help but suspect that his mom once told him “women like a man who’s not afraid to cry,” and he ran—nay, sprinted—with that misled piece of advice. Nick is crying in this particular instance, because after three seasons of failed attempts to find love on national television, he’s wondering if it might be slightly less painful and publicly humiliating to simply download Tinder. The women are, understandably, pissed off by the prospect of their season getting cut short just because some little pussy bitch is having an identity crisis. What about Thailand??? Bali??? Las Vegas??? They left their careers, their multi-million dollar businesses, their nanny/maid/best friend for this shit. Because we’re working with some classy ass bitches this season, they disguise their anger as concern, and it works! Nick feels seen&held© and decides that maybe he does want to spend the night with some of these women in the Fantasy Suite after all. Besides, never forget: falling in love is in his contract. Nick manages to stop crying long enough to announce that they’ll next be flying to Bimini, and in a shocking plot twist, every single woman seems to be intimately acquainted with where and what that is. Shouts of BIMINI BIMINI BIMINI echo through the hallway with the same lilt of excitement as Don Draper’s children screaming DADDY after he gets home from a long day of sleeping with women who aren’t his pregnant wife EVEN THOUGH HIS CHEATING ALMOST TORE APART THEIR FAMILY LAST SEASON. Whatever. Good for these women for being geographically cultured. I, personally, had never heard of Bimini, and maybe that’s my parents’ fault for raising me wrong. Anyway, they fly to Bimini, and once there, Nick takes a chance and gives Vanessa her first second one-on-one. The date takes place on a yacht. How they put Vanessa on a yacht knowing what they do about how her body reacts to transportation, I do not know. These producers have a seriously compromised ethical code. The date only becomes more shocking when it turns out Vanessa is expected to don snorkeling gear, jump from the yacht into the shark-filled water, and make out with Nick beneath the waves. If you watch closely, Nick’s underwater make out strategy is to assemble his floating body on top of Vanessa’s so that she is fully submerged and unable to breathe but his snorkel is still getting him air from above. This is the closest to murder I’ve ever seen on this show and who among us wasn’t constantly on edge during Chris Soules’ season? Later, Vanessa pretends that what we all clearly witnessed never happened and only has this to say about the date: “That was my first time on a yacht, that was my first time walking on a yacht, that was my first time jumping off a yacht, that was my first time giving a man a discreet above-the-pants handy on a yacht” and Nick is like “whoa whoa whoa Vanessa, so much information all at once, slow down,” and then she tells him she’s falling in love with him, and he’s like “you’re fine.” Meanwhile, back at the Bimini island mansion, Corinne finds out she has once again been denied a one-on-one date even though that RAGING BITCH VANESSA “I’m Italian and my whole family gets together on Sundays to make pasta also I’m a special needs teacher” GRIMALDI got TWO. The next day, Corinne, Raven, and Kristina get to go on a yacht that takes them to even more shark-infested waters than it took Vanessa. Corinne, who has up to now been the queen of group dates, becomes jealous when Nick puts sunscreen on Kristina’s vagina. Applying sunscreen to the cracks and crevices of these women’s bodies appears to consume 90 percent of Nick’s time and energy on this date. The other 10 percent of his time is spent comforting Kristina because girlfriend came TOO goddamn far from that Russian orphanage where she grew up to get eaten by a shark on national television. No THANK U ABC. Later, Nick gives Raven the group date rose even though she has seemingly done nothing to deserve it. Perhaps Nick is remembering the way she described violently stabbing her ex-boyfriend with a stiletto heel. Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Danielle receives an invitation from Nick to go on a date and play basketball with teenagers. She goes, but the only point at which Nick’s interest seems even mildly piqued by her presence is when he discovers that she calls her father “Daddy.” He confesses to the confessional camera that Danielle is “sweet,” but it’s hard to have a “natural conversation” with her. Nick ends up dumping her at dinner, and she pretends to be sad about it. Poor Danielle. I can’t help but wonder if maybe reality television isn’t the best medium for what she has to offer the world. Later, Corinne roams the hallway, searching for Nick’s hotel room in the hopes that her magical vagina will secure her a rose at the next ceremony. Nick, who is drinking alone when she knocks, invites her in. She attempts to make conversation, but Nick is not interested in conversation with a woman whose frontal lobe hasn’t yet finished developing (that’s a good thing!) and cuts her off with a kiss and a lil thigh squeeze. They go into the bedroom, but Nick abruptly feigns godly reverence for sexual activity and sends Corinne back to her quarters with a tsk, tsk, tsk. It’s okay though—Corinne is only human and can’t help if embarrassing things happen to her, which is a lesson we would all do well to tuck away for our own rainy days. Rachel gets the next one-on-one, and per usual, she brings out the best in Nick, but the only interesting moment on this date is when Nick awkwardly tries to get Rachel to talk about whether it will be weird for her family that he’s white. “Do I look…different…from the men you usually bring home?” asks Nick and Rachel, who is far from a dumb bitch, picks up what he’s laying down. “Yes,” she says, and that’s how we learn Nick Viall will be the first white man Rachel Lindsay has ever brought home to her daddy. I suppose, as white men go, he’s a reasonable example of one—mildly featureless, low-key sociopathic, weirdly hypocritical about sex, might be Slenderman. Anyway, remember: she doesn’t end up with him, so none of this matters, and Rachel’s dad will likely meet more white men before this part of his daughter’s life is over. PHOTO Courtesy of ABC Nick wraps up this episode by doing what we all knew he had to do before hometown dates—dump Kristina. I don’t think the Bachelor producers expected Kristina to come as far as she did. After all, no Russian ever has before on this show. And, sadly, one needs a hometown for hometown dates. Nick isn’t exactly going to fly to a Russian orphanage to meet—who? Madeline? Harry Potter? Oliver Twist? That’s not how this show works. Join us next week to discover the first black bachelorette. This is good news for obvious historical reasons but mainly because it means The Bachelor_edited.jpg loves The Bachelor and is great at giving humorous advice. I can now say with near certitude that Rachel Lindsay will debut next season as the franchise’s
The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's Second Year in Office // Week Eight
The Bachelor The Bachelor Blog The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's Second Year in Office // Week Eight Brooklyn-based writer who enjoys buffalo wings and writing journalistic longform pieces on The Bachelor. View all Bachelorette Recaps Image courtesy of ABC Welcome back to The Bachelor, the only show that takes a man who can't find
The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's Second Year in Office // Week One
The Bachelor The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's Second Year in Office The Bachelor Blog The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's Second Year in Office // Week One The Bachelor 2018.jpg IMAGE COURTESY OF ABC Welcome back to The Bachelor, the show that believes you can fall in love and be alive are excitement, adrenaline, and pizza. He starred on a season of The Bachelorette that aired absolutely get it from this girl. Why has The Bachelor franchise condemned us all to watching the be alive are excitement, adrenaline, and pizza. He starred on a season of The Bachelorette that Becky Scott is a Brooklyn-based writer who enjoys buffalo wings and writing journalistic longform pieces on The Bachelor. View all Bachelorette Recaps
The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's Second Year in Office // Week Four
The Bachelor The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's Second Year in Office The Bachelor Blog The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's Second Year in Office // Week Four enjoys buffalo wings and writing journalistic longform pieces on The Bachelor. View all Bachelorette Recaps the-bachelor-recap.jpg IMAGE COURTESY OF ABC Welcome back to The Bachelor, the country music version of Rock of Love. Many
The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's Second Year in Office // Week Three
The Bachelor The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's Second Year in Office The Bachelor Blog IMAGE COURTESY OF ABC Welcome back to The Bachelor, the only family-friendly show that condones a The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's Second Year in Office // Week Three writing journalistic longform pieces on The Bachelor. View all Bachelorette Recaps The Bachelor Wrestling.jpg
The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's America // The Finale
trolls and the entire Bachelor camera crew and probably Chris Harrison watching from behind a tree The Bachelor The Bachelor Blog in New York who loves The Bachelor and is great at giving humorous advice. daughter needs to watch The Bachelor finale. SMDH. By the time I got there, Raven is telling Nick’s Bachelor, the show that contractually obligates 25 women to declare their profound love for a man The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's America // The Finale Photo Courtesy of ABC Can't get enough of Becky's humor? Follow her on Twitter. Welcome back to The The Bachelorette
The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump’s America // Week Ten
supply of Canadian citizenship. Becky Scott is a writer based in New York who loves The Bachelor and The Bachelor Welcome back to The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump’s America, where facts aren’t real and love exists only to serve capitalism. Official Bachelor Blog of Trump’s America, where facts aren’t real and love exists only to serve one of the Backstreet Boys is the next Bachelor. Anything can happen in Trump’s America. A few Photo Courtesy of ABC Can't get enough of Becky's humor? Follow her on Twitter. Welcome back to The The Bachelorette acknowledge his question. This is the more likely scenario, but still — The Bachelor usually encourages The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump’s America // Week Ten
The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's Second Year in Office // Week Seven
The Bachelor The Bachelor Blog is a Brooklyn-based writer who enjoys buffalo wings and writing journalistic longform pieces on The Bachelor. View all Bachelorette Recaps and talk to them about love. "The Bachelor" loves to pretend people in other countries haven't heard The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's Second Year in Office // Week Seven Photo Courtesy of ABC Welcome back to The Bachelor, the only show that romantically matches The Bachelorette Welcome back to The Bachelor, the only show that romantically matches teachers and the female children they might have taught in elementary school.
The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's America: Week Three
The Bachelor Photo by ABC Can't get enough of Becky's humor? Follow her on Twitter. Welcome back to The Bachelor, the The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's America: Week Three who enjoys buffalo wings and writing journalistic longform pieces on The Bachelor.
The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's America // Week Eight
The Bachelor Scott is a writer based in New York who loves The Bachelor and is great at giving humorous advice. The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's America // Week Eight Photo Courtesy of ABC Can't get enough of Becky's humor? Follow her on Twitter. Welcome back to The Bachelor, the show where four women risk it all by giving their home address to a near-stranger who might become their husband. This is the hometown episode, and it starts in Hoxie, Arkansas, which I can’t help but suspect is not actually Raven’s hometown or, really, anybody’s hometown. Raven takes Nick to the water tower, which is where the non-existent citizens of Hoxie go to have “meaningful conversations.” Nick is like “how many meaningful conversations have you had here,” and Raven is like “You couldn’t COUNT that high bitch,” and Nick, justifiably, is hoping that Raven might have a meaningful conversation with him. Unfortunately, they’re interrupted by her brother dressed like a cop probably on his way home from some weird sex party in Little Rock. After their not-at-all-natural conversation with Raven’s brother, Nick and Raven romp in the mud rivers of the South, paying no heed to the destruction of their clothing. “Raven is a beautiful woman, and she has more personality than you could imagine,” says Nick as Raven forces his struggling body to the mud floor. Then Raven takes Nick back to set — I mean, her family’s real-life home — where we meet her father and her father’s wife, Peg (or something). The vibe is pretty melancholic, which is weird because her father immediately announces he is finally cancer-free. Maybe I’m mistaking melancholia for the bittersweet satisfaction of putting off death for yet one more day. Anyway, Raven’s family gets relatively little screen time, thank God, as I am constantly micromanaging my emotions and this family’s vibes are very destabilizing. Photo Courtesy of ABC Next up is Rachel’s family in Dallas, Texas. Rachel brings Nick to her predominantly black church, and the preacher asks him “Have you ever been in this space before?” and Nick is like “Uh, not this space,” and that pretty much sets the tone for the evening. Rachel’s mom also acknowledges the “climate” that has of late pushed the boundaries of the racist acts and ideas that American white people now feel comfortable claiming publicly instead of behind closed doors. This is the first time anyone on this show has even hinted that there’s trouble a-brewin’ in the U.S. of A. and that it looks a little like nationalist-fueled fascism spearheaded by white men afraid of ceding power to women and POC!!!! Rachel brings Nick to meet her family, and everyone immediately acknowledges that Nick is a pasty, featureless thing. But it’s okay — he’s not the only one. In fact, Rachel’s sister’s Caucasian husband is the one who tells Nick that he “can’t help but notice you’re a white.” Nick sits down and has some frank discussions about interracial dating and marriage with the ladies of Rachel’s family. When Nick says the color of Rachel’s skin doesn’t matter to him, her sister is like “Uh, that’s great in theory, but …” and all around the country, hundreds of thousands of viewers sit in shocked silence as they learn for the first time why “not seeing color” is, in fact, “not possible,” nor will the sentiment get us any closer to a non-racist society. Of course, it’s possible I’m not giving American viewers enough credit, but let’s be real, Putin didn’t make Donald Trump the leader of the free world all by himself. Anyway, Nick seems to have a very difficult time saying “black women.” He says it like this every time: “um, black women.” Rachel’s mom also acknowledges the “climate” that has of late pushed the boundaries of the racist acts and ideas that American white people now feel comfortable claiming publicly instead of behind closed doors. This is the first time anyone on this show has even hinted that there’s trouble a-brewin’ in the U.S. of A. and that it looks a little like nationalist-fueled fascism spearheaded by white men afraid of ceding power to women and POC!!!! And yes, white women are perpetuating their own oppression by placing their interest in white supremacy above that of their interest in fucking the patriarchy!!!! WOOOOOOO!!! Anyway, Rachel’s family is a delight and emanates several times the joy of Raven’s. Can’t wait to see them again next season. The show moves as gracefully as can be expected from the politics of interracial dating into Corinne spending $3,400 on clothes. She gives us some invaluable shopping advice: “Get a salesperson. Make that person your person. Give them everything.” A fun fact about me: I love Miami. I LOVE Miami, and I am going to miss it dearly when it slips beneath the sea. The cocktails there are five times bigger than cocktails anywhere else, and the water is warm like a bathtub, and the people motherfucking LOVE TO DANCE. I have been there approximately one time, but I can still smell the ocean air even now as I type this. After dropping several thousand dollars on ugly hats, Corinne takes Nick to a bar and tells him she has fallen in love with him. This, of course, is not true. There is no way on God’s green earth that Corinne has any love left over after giving so much of it to her nanny, Raquel. Still, I desperately hope they end up together somehow. Perhaps one day America will look back on this relationship the way we look back on that of Clark Gable and Carole Lombard: doomed from the start, fated to destruction, but unbearably beautiful all the same. Watching reality television stars interact with their non-reality television star families tends to humanize them, and Corinne’s family is not an exception. Her father is the one who appears to have instilled in Corinne a love of drinking. They have the most natural father-daughter relationship I have ever seen, one entirely devoid of the creepy sexual undertones that you so often see in White Christian America (I mean, come on … purity balls?). Corinne’s daddy is, however, rightfully concerned about how Nick is going to fund Corinne’s lifestyle the-bachelor-recap-3.jpg Welcome back to The Bachelor, the show where four women risk it all by giving their home address to The Bachelorette
The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Two
The Bachelor The Bachelor Blog Becky Scott is a Brooklyn-based writer who enjoys buffalo wings and writing journalistic longform pieces on The Bachelor. Photo Courtesy of ABC Welcome back to The Bachelorette, the first show to so proudly host known The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Two The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America The Bachelorette
The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Five
The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Five The Bachelor Blog is a Brooklyn-based writer who enjoys buffalo wings and writing journalistic longform pieces on The Bachelor. View all Bachelorette Recaps on to The Bachelor, provoking the largest contestant into a wrestling match, and then suing ABC for the full cost of their student loans? The Bachelorette Photo Courtesy of ABC Another day, another totally calm conversation that ABC sold to us as a bloody beatdown in the teasers. But it’s okay! I’m not mad! I’m just happy I get to be here at all, in America, where I have the freedom to choose between a MULTITUDE of television shows! If you want bloody beatdowns, turn on Animal Planet, ladies, because it ain’t happenin’ here. That’s not a prediction — that’s the rule of law. Do you have any idea how many people dream of getting on to The Bachelor, provoking the largest contestant into a wrestling match, and then suing ABC for the full cost of their student loans? Anyway, what happened last night? Something happened, but not like they promised it would. Kenny spoke to Lee in a calm, adult fashion. Lee sniveled and snorkeled and snorted and snived like an evil Elf-on-the-Shelf who’s been watching every move Kenny makes and reporting lies back to Kenny’s mother, Rachel. Okay, this simile got away from me. But it’s not too far off from what actually happened. After Kenny and Lee agreed that they were definitely not friends, Will took Lee aside to give him a short racial history of America. “You have to understand, Lee,” said Will, taking care to enunciate every word. “There’s a long history in America of calling black men ‘aggressive’ in order to justify doing certain things to them.” Like shoot and kill them, Lee. But Will doesn’t say that, or maybe he does and ABC cut it for all the children and sensitive white people watching out there. Lee does NOT understand, nor does he try particularly hard to understand. Instead, he accuses Kenny of playing the race card. At this point, other things happen, chronologically, but I’m not sure how or what so let’s jump to the next catastrophe: Rachel’s date with Jack. Nobody understood why Rachel chose Jack for a date because, quite frankly, he is neither particularly attractive nor charismatic. But today, we find out the reason: he is from Dallas, he is an attorney, and one other thing. I can’t remember it all, you guys. Remember that I am going back and forth between this show and the new season of RHONY; I’m not a machine. Photo Courtesy of ABC Anyway, Jack, who no one has heard of before this episode, lives up to the reputation we’ve given him via six seconds of onscreen time. Rachel looks like she’s enduring the worst form of suffering. She reminds me of me on every Internet date I’ve ever attended. “Does your dad have a good sense of humor? Does he joke a lot?” says Jack, clearly under the impression that he is slaying it right now. “Yes but you have to know him to see that side of him,” says Rachel, annoyed that she’s here with a caricature of a straight man while Bryan and Peter are probably getting it on in the hot tub back at the mansion. “I feel like I know your dad,” says Jack. THEN Rachel asks Jack, if he could take her back to Dallas right now, what would they do? And Jack tells her he would take her to his room, lock the door — LOCK THE DOOR — and they would just “talk.” And that’s when Rachel knows the time has come to break Jack’s heart. Bye-bye, Jack. At the cocktail party that night, Rachel lets go of Iggy the Snitch and The Tickle Monster. Photo Courtesy of ABC I will not miss Iggy but The Tickle Monster will find love very soon. I can feel it. His biological clock—as exhibited by his incessant need to tickle women — is begging for children. Inexplicably, Lee gets to hang around for another week. The group then heads to Oslo, home of the Vikings, where Rachel takes Bryan on a ski rappel adventure. The two of them rappel down some large structure, taking a short break to make out in the middle of the journey. Rachel’s (and my own) primary issue with Bryan is that he doesn’t make any sense. He’s gorgeous, tall, built, sexy, handsome, and single. THAT is a math problem that simply doesn’t work. He also has a job and can sing Despacito without an awkward American accent. There’s no reason he shouldn’t be married to a French model with a decent personality. Instead, he’s on 'The Bachelorette’ and Rachel is right to fear he’s here for fame or money or to secretly win Chris Harrison’s heart. Still, beauty is a powerful drug, and Rachel finds her concerns slipping away with every tongue-kiss anew. Bryan is safe for now. Photo Courtesy of ABC On the group date the next day, the boys play handball which is, apparently, a thing in Norway. The most interesting thing that happens during this scene is that Dean wears his jock strap outside of his uniform, presumably as a joke, but nobody references it as a joke and therefore it just appears to be him exercising his right to freedom of expression. That night, Rachel spends a cumulative 20 minutes talking to the other boys about their feelings and such before retiring to the hot tub with Peter for 3 ½ hours. This is what happens when you hire a 31-year-old bachelorette—she knows what she wants and isn’t willing to pretend that she doesn’t just so your dumb television show can have good ratings. That’s not to say Rachel doesn’t play the game a little bit. After her hot tub romp, she ends up giving the rose to Will for being good at sports, instead of Peter for being good at making out in the hot tub. Thus, we arrive at the dreaded twosome date with Kenny and his racist foil, Lee. Poor Kenny just wants to FaceTime his daughter. He never signed up to deflect accusations of aggression from a squirrelly demon boy. Alas, we don’t always get what we want and today, Kenny is getting something he really doesn’t want: alone time with Rachel and Lee. But mostly Lee. This date, like all twosome dates, takes place
The Official Bachelor Blog of Trumps America: Week Five
WOULD CALL. Corinne’s promise to “make America Corinne again” is literally the closest The Bachelor franchise The Official Bachelor Blog of Trumps America: Week Five The Bachelor hero does. Corinne’s promise to “make America Corinne again” is literally the closest The Bachelor franchise Scott is a writer based in New York who loves The Bachelor and is great at giving humorous advice. Welcome back to The Bachelor, a show where one man navigates the rocky waters of romance against Photo Courtesy of ABC Can't get enough of Becky's humor? Follow her on Twitter. Welcome back to The Bachelor, a show where one man navigates the rocky waters of romance against the backdrop of a
The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's America // Week Nine
The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's America // Week Nine The Bachelor until it was too late to change anything. She bursts into tears, but in the most feminist turn of Scott is a Brooklyn-based writer who enjoys buffalo wings and writing journalistic longform pieces on The Bachelor. Bachelor events ever, ends the scene by declaring she’ll never kiss up to a man again. Normally, the Bachelor, the number one show for understanding race relations in America. This episode picks back Photo Courtesy of ABC Can't get enough of Becky's humor? Follow her on Twitter. Welcome back to The
The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's America: Week Four
The Bachelor Photo Courtesy of ABC Can't get enough of Becky's humor? Follow her on Twitter. Welcome back to The Bachelor, the show that takes place in the United States of America and definitely not in a country where each year 30 children are asked to murder each other for The People’s entertainment until only one is left standing. That being said, Happy Belated Day of Patriotic Devotion. I hope you all spent it immersed in a bathtub full of vodka listening to your favorite acapella version of God Bless America on repeat. This show opens with Taylor and Sarah being so obsessed with Corinne, and Corinne doesn’t know why. She’ll never know why. But it doesn’t matter because she came to an agreement with herself that she’s not everyone’s cup of tea. And also she’s not privileged in any way, shape, or form. It took several iterations of white feminism over many generations to produce Corinne, and I don’t know about you, but I am PLEASED with the results. I will never know myself as well as she does, and that’s why she runs a multi-million-dollar business, and I spend most of my day refreshing my Twitter feed, searching for a distraction from the fear that I’ll never do anything meaningful with my life. Good job Corinne, good job Gloria Steinem, good job Riot Grrrrl Revolution of the early 90s, good job world. We did it. Despite the weird, desperate hopes of Taylor and Sarah, Corinne does not go home this week. Nick knows that sending Corinne home would mean sending half of America home, metaphorically. I can’t imagine many viewers intend to stay past Corinne’s symbolic burial. She is the lifeblood of the show, flowing through its veins like an incurable disease. Sometimes the women on this show get to go cool places like Bali or a beach town in Mexico, and sometimes they go to Waukesha, Wisconsin to milk cows. Nick brings all the ladies to Waukesha to meet his mom and see all the places where he learned to kiss with his eyes closed (it was a process). This is where Nick, bereft of human instinct, learned to perform basic “person” acts like tell a joke and indicate to a woman he would like to touch his pee-pee to her vee-vee. Nick chooses unlucky Danielle L. to go on the one-on-one date, which will mostly consist of serendipitously running into his ex-girlfriend through the window of a Starbucks. Nick encourages his ex to list to Danielle all the reasons Nick is a real human being and not three thousand centipedes stacked on top of each other, and she complies. Not shown: the barrel of a gun held just out of frame by one of Nick’s favorite producers, Cindy. What can we say? When love feels like magic, it’s called destiny. When destiny has a sense of humor, it’s called serendipity. Danielle L. has a tiresome, almost loping laugh that sounds something like “hu-HAH, hu-HAH,” and she employs it generously throughout her cookie-making, ex-girlfriend-hanging, dinner-having, Chris Lane-listening date with Nick. It’s the kind of laugh that would make someone say “And I said, If you laugh that laugh one more time … And she did. So I took the shotgun off the wall and fired two warning shots. In. To. Her. Head.“ But who knows. Everyone has a different trigger (GET IT???????). Anyway, Danielle L tells Nick her biggest flaw is that her parents are divorced, but I would argue that Danielle L’s biggest flaw is that the president of her country is a raging Welcome back to The Bachelor, the show that takes place in the United States of America and growing up, Nick is incapable of handling a simple pair of teats. Jaimi, The Bachelor’s version of The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's America: Week Four scott Becky Scott is a writer based in New York who loves The Bachelor and is great at giving humorous advice. its website! “Whaddya mean, the queer community is thriving, look at Jaimi from The Bachelor! She made
The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's Second Year in Office // Week Nine
The Bachelor Photo courtesy of ABC Welcome back to The Bachelor, the only show committed to finding wives for The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's Second Year in Office // Week Nine Welcome back to The Bachelor, the only show committed to finding wives for men multiple decades past their sexual prime. Scott is a Brooklyn-based writer who enjoys buffalo wings and writing journalistic longform pieces on The Bachelor. View all Bachelorette Recaps down in history as the most unlikely second runner-up in Bachelor history. Join me next week to find
The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Four
The Bachelor Blog journalistic longform pieces on The Bachelor. View all Bachelorette Recaps The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Four Photo Courtesy of ABC Welcome back to The Bachelorette, the show that makes you feel better about The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America her and a “start-up recruiter” which might be, but shouldn’t be, a real job. He may make it to the Welcome back to The Bachelorette, the show that makes you feel better about humanity’s rapidly The Bachelorette top four and even become the next Bachelor, but there’s no way his future involves Rachel Lindsay as
The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Three
The Bachelor Blog Scott is a Brooklyn-based writer who enjoys buffalo wings and writing journalistic longform pieces on The Bachelor. View all Bachelorette Recaps The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America Photo Courtesy of ABC Welcome back to The Bachelorette, the intrepid series that explores new The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Three The Bachelorette
The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Nine
The Bachelor Blog Photo Courtesy of ABC Welcome back to my coverage of The Bachelorette, the only show that hates The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Nine Brooklyn-based writer who enjoys buffalo wings and writing journalistic longform pieces on The Bachelor. View all Bachelorette Recaps The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America The Bachelorette Welcome back to my coverage of The Bachelorette, the only show that hates walls as much as those
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