The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's America // Week Nine

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Welcome back to The Bachelor, the number one show for understanding race relations in America.

This episode picks back up in that Brooklyn hotel room, where Nick’s ex-TV girlfriend, Andi, is about to give him some tough, honest advice about loving himself. Nick, who slut-shamed Andi on her After-the Rose special by pretending to feel betrayed that she had lain ‘pon his dick when her heart was elsewhere, deserves no empathy. Andi is pulling off the moral equivalent of looking your bully in the eye and saying, “I’m sorry you hate yourself, but I love you and so does Jesus.”

It’s also a little bit like reverse psychology feminism, where Andi reassures Nick that fucking all four women won’t make him any less respectable as a man. Andi is like, “Your body, your choice, Nick,” and Nick is like, “No, I…I know that. As a man you’re kind of raised to believe that completely,” and Andi is like, “Shhhh, Nick. Your body. Your choice.”

Nick, now sexually affirmed and ready to consummate his relationship with three of the four women waiting for him in the cold on this Brooklyn hotel rooftop, heads upstairs to say goodbye to…Corinne.

We knew this would happen eventually, but like climate change, it didn’t feel real until it was too late to change anything. She bursts into tears, but in the most feminist turn of Bachelor events ever, ends the scene by declaring she’ll never kiss up to a man again. Normally, the producers don’t let the jilted women make declarations of independence because they’re afraid it’ll give women at home “ideas.” Luckily, they probably think Corinne is just absurd enough that her words won’t spark housewife-led rioting across the nation. They’re wrong.

So then Nick takes Rachel, Vanessa, and Raven to Finland.

Nick takes Raven on a helicopter ride over the snowy mountains. They fly to a bar where Nick leans in to his woolen turtleneck and talks about how he doesn’t date women like his mom because he likes them to have a personality. Then they go to dinner where Raven monologues for forty minutes about how she’s fallen in love with Nick, and then, mere moments before they walk in to the fantasy suite, tells him she has never cum before.

Anyway, I guess join us next week to find out whether Raven lies to America and says Nick Viall gave her her first orgasm.  

Is this “hot” to men? Someone should do a survey. I get that the parallel isn’t perfect here but if a man came to me and said the same, I would be like, “Maybe consider sitting down with yourself and doing a deep dive into what you like sexually before taking even one more step toward me?” And it’s not just that her long-term boyfriend couldn’t do it for her because I can understand that—many women share that same struggle.

But it sounds like 25-year-old Raven has never…masturbated?

Whose fault is this? The Church? The Vatican? Subpar public school sexual education classes? Donald Trump? I’m trying not to sound judgmental here but, my God, Raven, we have the Internet now!!! Do a little googling!!!! Figure out your shit!!! Because Nick Viall is not going to save you!!

Anyway, I guess join us next week to find out whether Raven lies to America and says Nick Viall gave her her first orgasm.  

Becky Scott is a Brooklyn-based writer who enjoys buffalo wings and writing journalistic longform pieces on The Bachelor.