Photo by Chris Bavaria
1. Read the Diagnostic and Statistic Manual of Mental Disorders cover to cover.
You may not have a PhD in psychology but you probably have an opinion on whether or not your friend Sarah has narcissistic personality disorder. Go ahead — crack open the DSM and see for yourself. Time to diagnose some bitches.
2. Send a FOIA request to the State Department for all correspondence between Tom Brady and Donald Trump since January 21st.
The Freedom of Information Act is a law that allows you to request any documents controlled by the United States government. It’s a fun and cool law and there’s little doubt that Donald Trump will eventually gnaw his way through it with those tiny rat teeth so that no one can request the thousands of emails he has sent that sign off with “It’s your word against mine and they’ll never believe you HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAAHA YOU IDIOT YOU THINK YOU STAND A CHANCE AGAINST ME NO ONE STANDS A CHANCE AGAINST ME JOIN ME IN THE FOREST TONIGHT AND CONFRONT YOUR FATE ONLY I CAN LIVE FOREVER BEHOLD NAGINI OUR WORK IS DONE” so someone better act fast if we want to know exactly how close Tom and Don really are.
3. Film yourself eating 20,000 calories in under an hour.
Football is far too often stereotyped as a male pastime and that’s not fair to the dozens of American women who also watch it! And that’s not the only pastime unfairly associated with men — if you YouTube search for “eat 20,000 calories in under an hour”, you’ll find videos featuring almost exclusively men! It’s time for women to stand up, speak out, and film ourselves eating 20,000 calories in under 60 minutes. Yes. We. Can.
4. Make a collage of all the compliments you’ve received on OKCupid.
“You have the best smile on this whole damn site” “You have really nice eyes who knows we could have a lot of fun together not looking for something serious just wanted to be up front about that” “hi I am looking at your profile and touching myself” “do you like soda?”
5. Watch the Lindsay Lohan docu-series Oprah produced in 2014.
“Lindsay”, a documentary series about Lindsay Lohan struggling to rebuild her career after a stint in rehab, is comprised of eight perfect episodes, all of which are completely worth the computer viruses you’ll get from downloading them illegally. Second only to “Moonlight” in its nuanced depiction of human nature, “Lindsay” should be the only evidence of television that we leave behind for when cockroaches reach the “reality TV” stage of evolution.
6. Get paid to protest.
There are a litany of issues to be outraged about nowadays - the Muslim ban, Donald Trump's business conflicts, the fact that you can't get Ivanka's shoes at Nordstrom anymore. Sometimes it seems like all you have to do to make a buck around here is pick some egregious violation of basic human rights and find someone to pay you to protest against it! All rational people know that the vast majority of protestors are salaried millenials being funded by a single person who has a weird obsession with civil rights. It might be Susan Sarandon or it might be the Pope. Either way, find out who's footing the bill and get ready to scream "MY BODY MY CHOICE" for cold, hard cash.