Welcome back to The Bachelorette, the only show that is honest about how neoliberalism is destroying the modern city.
We've come a long way since Rachel had 25 boyfriends, but quite frankly, I think it might be too soon to revisit that slice of history. Unfortunately, my opinion is trumped by a multimillion dollar corporation hoping to make a buck or two off of human suffering so in we go!
Tonight, we are re-introduced to several boy feuds: that of Blaine and Lucas, that of Josiah and Iggy, that of Lee and Kenny, that of Lucas and reality, that of Lee and admitting one's racist beliefs, and that of Dean and puberty.
It's an all-out dick scuffle between Lucas "Whaboom" whatever-his-last-name-is and Blaine/Blake (not sure either way). For some reason, Blaine perceives Whaboom's completely understandable attempt to brand himself by appearing on The Bachelorette (appearing on a reality show, I feel, is probably a top suggested strategy in Branding 101) as a personal slight.
As if one can't brand oneself and search for love at the same time! Welcome to the 21st century, Blaine!
This scuffle never made perfect sense to me so let's move on to the one that couldn't be more crystally clear: that of DeMario and the Tinder date from hell.
Y'all might remember the moment Lexi "you-still-have-the-keys-to-my-house" Last Name blew up DeMario's spot and Rachel was like, "To the left, please." DeMario has broached the topic several times with stories ranging from "I have no idea who that is" to "I swear I broke up with her before the show" to "please forgive my sins."
Tonight, he goes with two excuses: the "side chick" theory and the "she means as much to me as Beyonce" theory (which is to say, nothing, since he's never met Beyonce). Life's not really complete without someone who love-hates you enough to ruin your chance at winning love on a reality show, and this is the part of the equation DeMario's missing: gratitude.
DeMario also compared his Lexi tryst with Bill Clinton's Monica tryst, although in my notes journal I accidentally recorded this sentence as "Bill Clinton had sex with DeMario," which, c'mon, can you think of a more iconic duo?
Then, suddenly, it's Iggy and Josiah's turn to get through their troubles. Iggy, if you'll remember, is the dude who knew he couldn't compete with the room, so he spent all his time complaining to Rachel about the other men, focusing especially on Josiah and Josiah's raging, unstoppable ego.
Meanwhile Josiah, if you'll remember, was the severe hottie with a body who was kicked off for not being able to find the end of how amazing he thinks he is.
Since there's SIMPLY no way Josiah won't turn up in Paradise next season, I'm not too worried about him. This feud is B-O-R-I-N-G NEXT.
It's Kenny and Lee's turn!
For those who can't recall, Kenny was the lovable wrestler who cried every time he Skyped with his daughter in the confessional. He's the kind of guy you'd love but never date, the kind of guy you'd cry to about your pussy-ass boyfriend but never have sex with.
Meanwhile, Lee is the kind of guy you would never be alone in a room with.
This feud is driven by two factors: Kenny is obsessed with a violent version of what manhood is, and Lee is possessed by the devil. Both forces added fuel to the fire.
Tonight, it appears Kenny has made peace with himself as a man and Lee has been told by his PR person to stop being a raging dick or no one would sponsor him on Instagram. Only DeMario comes to Lee's defense because, of course, Lee dried DeMario's tears after Lexi betrayed her side-chick contract.
DeMario and Lee — truly, two peas in a pod.
Later in the show, Lee is made to sit in the hot seat while Chris Harrison, or should we call him Professor Harrison of Racism 101, reads out Lee's racist tweets comparing the NAACP to the KKK. We are then forced to watch as, for what seems like 90 percent of the show, the men beg Lee to admit he's racist.
Here are some of the responses Lee gives instead:
"I should have been a better friend."
"I understand where this is coming from."
"I should have been more considerate."
"I'm excited to learn."
Meanwhile, some producer in the back is smizing with glee at the finale of her comprehensive plan to cast a racist this season — and she should be!! It truly went off without a hitch, and now ABC can fully align themselves with the "not flagrantly racist" part of America.
How the American dream has evolved!
Other things of note: Diggy wore a fun bowtie.
At some point, Rachel came out and offered everyone, but mostly Lee and America, lessons on how to not be racist and sexist, but by then my soul had coagulated into something past recognition, and all I could feel or think resembled a faint, beige numbness.
I think she’s gonna be fine. I’ll leave you with that.
Join us next week to find out whether Rachel picks Eric or Peter or a wax statue of Beyonce.