The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's Second Year in Office // Week Ten

The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's Second Year in Office // Week Ten

This week, Arie's little Dutch family flew in from, I'm assuming, Amsterdam. Like most Europeans, the elder generation had accents and airs shaped by socialism. They are tasked with helping their hapless son choose between Becca and the refurbished corpse of Sleeping Beauty. They choose Becca, but just barely. In fact, Arie's father tells Becca he would honestly be fine with either of them, which is the opposite of how Arie feels.

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The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's Second Year in Office // Week Four

The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's Second Year in Office // Week Four

Back at the mansion, everybody except my mortal enemy, Bekah, is invited on a group date to go hiking. The ladies meet up in the middle of the woods with a survival guide who makes them all pee into a water bottle so they will not die of dehydration in case the cast and crew get lost in the Tahoe wilderness for weeks. The only remaining Lauren makes it clear that she has no intention of drinking her own pee, even if the alternative is certain death. I'm beginning to understand why this revolutionary spirit is the last Lauren standing.

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The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's Second Year in Office // Week Three

The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's Second Year in Office // Week Three

Nobody, including Arie, knows anything about wrestling except Bekah, who cannot stop talking about the 10 seconds she watched of the WWE in 2009. She is featured prominently in the confessionals, giving America her manic take on everything going on around her. Listening to Bekah speak is like being inflicted by a mental Cruciatus curse — you aren't sure what's going on but you would do anything to make it stop.

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The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's Second Year in Office // Week Two

The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's Second Year in Office // Week Two

This week, our papery skinned Bachelor got to know the ladies he would later be having sex with, and it wasn't all roses and emotionally stable professionals. He got to know women with blond hair, women with vocal fry, women with babies, women with rooms and rooms of preserved dead animals, women who are not yet legally allowed to marry in 26 states, and women with traumatic childhood amusement park memories.

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The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's Second Year in Office // Week One

The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's Second Year in Office // Week One

His name is Ari and here is everything I know about him: his family seems to be recent Dutch immigrants. He is a "racecar driver" who is involved with real estate on the side. He is the Victorian ghost in a Wes Anderson movie. He looks like a swamp at dusk. The three things that make him excited to be alive are excitement, adrenaline, and pizza. He starred on a season of The Bachelorette that aired years ago, before I had even heard of the show, perhaps before I had even made my acquaintance with this sad world. He appears to be well over half way done with being alive.

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The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week One

The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week One

This season was hotly anticipated by critics and civilians alike because Rachel (drum roll, please) is the first black bachelorette. Critics wondered things like: Will Rachel’s ascendance finally force Chris Harrison to reckon with the violent misdeeds of his white ancestors? Will this season feature smart, insightful, relatable conversations about interracial dating? What could someone as beautiful and witty and successful as Rachel possibly have seen in Nick Viall? 

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The Elephant in the Room: Why Is No One Talking about How Hot Jon Ossoff Is?

The Elephant in the Room: Why Is No One Talking about How Hot Jon Ossoff Is?

Everybody is talking about buzzy, young, upstart Jonathan Ossoff. The 30-year-old Democrat narrowly missed winning in a Republican-dominated Atlanta district Wednesday and will take on Republican Karen Handel in a June face-off.

But there’s an elephant in the room. A big one. A sexy one. A big, sexy elephant. And nobody is saying it so I will: 

Everybody is talking about buzzy, young, upstart Jonathan Ossoff. The 30-year-old Democrat narrowly missed winning in a Republican-dominated Atlanta district Wednesday and will take on Republican Karen Handel in a June face-off.

But there’s an elephant in the room. A big one. A sexy one. A big, sexy elephant. And nobody is saying it so I will: Jon Ossoff is smoking hot.

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Let Me Ruin This For You // Beauty and the Beast

Let Me Ruin This For You // Beauty and the Beast

That Hollywood found it necessary to give the world a live-action remake of Beauty and the Beast surprised few and excited many. The classic fable that teaches children it doesn’t matter what you look like if you’re a boy is a beloved favorite of little girls past and present—regardless of whether they came of age before marital rape was outlawed in all 50 states or in an era where the New York Post routinely terrorizes single, college-educated women living in cities.

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This Weather is Fucking Awesome and I’m Not Sorry

This Weather is Fucking Awesome and I’m Not Sorry

There have been an awful lot of people on the Internet lately denying themselves the unadulterated joy of summer in February, so I’m here with a counterpoint: This weather is fucking awesome and I’m not sorry.

A few facts:

  1. It’s 69 degrees.

  2. It’s February.

  3. The human race is finished.

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