The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Eleven

The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Eleven

Welcome back to The Bachelorette, the only competition show where third-place is the real winner.

Tonight’s finale began with a betrayal. Is there anyone among us who does not feel disrespected by the new structure? As someone vehemently opposed to both staying up past 10:15 and watching Rachel Lindsay process the emotions I just watched her process for over eight episodes for another fucking hour, I think I speak for all women when I say fuck you ABC.

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The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Ten

The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Ten

We've come a long way since Rachel had 25 boyfriends, but quite frankly, I think it might be too soon to revisit that slice of history. Unfortunately, my opinion is trumped by a multimillion dollar corporation hoping to make a buck or two off of human suffering so in we go!

Tonight, we are re-introduced to several boy feuds: that of Blaine and Lucas, that of Josiah and Iggy, that of Lee and Kenny, that of Lucas and reality, that of Lee and admitting one's racist beliefs, and that of Dean and pubert

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The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Nine

The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Nine

Welcome back to my coverage of The Bachelorette, the only show that hates walls as much as those dirty liberals.

Last night’s episode was very confusing, or maybe that was due to the full bottle of wine I consumed by myself throughout its duration. My alcohol metabolism, unlike my Cheez-It metabolism, is fast as shit though, so I don’t think that was the problem.

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The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Eight

The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Eight

Welcome back to The Bachelorette, the only show that makes you feel like climate change might be a good thing. 

This week, Rachel has the great honor of meeting all four of her boyfriends' families, including the converted kundalini yogi father of her 25-year-old start-up recruiting boyfriend, Dean. 

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The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Six

The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Six

That night, Rachel is like, Kenny why did you go back to Lee and leave me waiting in the helicopter for three minutes like a goddamn IDIOT, and Kenny was like, I had to let Lee know that God loves everyone, even racist elves, and he still has time to get into heaven. Rachel, and America, seemed to be sated by that response and Kenny was spared the chopping block—for now.

At the cocktail party, we meet for the first time two white men named, respectively, Adam and Matt. I had heard rumors of Matt’s existence on the show due to a friend who works at the newspaper in his hometown asking me every Tuesday whether he was still in the running and literally never once knowing who she was talking about or whether he was still on the show.

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The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Five

The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Five

If you want bloody beatdowns, turn on Animal Planet, ladies, because it ain’t happenin’ here. That’s not a prediction — that’s the rule of law. Do you have any idea how many people dream of getting on to The Bachelor, provoking the largest contestant into a wrestling match, and then suing ABC for the full cost of their student loans?

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The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Four

The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Four

Welcome back to The Bachelorette, the show that makes you feel better about humanity’s rapidly approaching extinction. Last week’s episode was non-existent due to America’s creepy obsession with sports but BOY did this week’s make up for it.  

 

Just kidding.

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The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Three

The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Three

This episode begins with lying, cheating, beautiful DeMario imploring Rachel to give him one more chance, but Rachel is a perfect, scary woman who shan’t be played. She tells DeMario she’s glad he learned a lesson from being accosted on national television by a Tinder date that went too far, but it’s too late to use what he learned at the mansion. Especially not when Bryan is still sleeping under its roof.

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The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Two

The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Two

What is “husband material”? That depends on what you understand to be the husband’s purpose in a home. According to Mila Kunis, feminist of truly respectable proportions, a husband’s purpose (not to be confused with the classic film “A Dog’s Purpose") is to vacuum, change diapers, and pull a hairball out of a clogged sink with the baby strapped to his chest. In this respect, Mila and I are on the same level. One way we are not alike is I would have promptly disqualified Whaboom Lucas for repeatedly submerging his plastic babies’ head beneath the water in the germ-filled sink.

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The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week One

The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week One

This season was hotly anticipated by critics and civilians alike because Rachel (drum roll, please) is the first black bachelorette. Critics wondered things like: Will Rachel’s ascendance finally force Chris Harrison to reckon with the violent misdeeds of his white ancestors? Will this season feature smart, insightful, relatable conversations about interracial dating? What could someone as beautiful and witty and successful as Rachel possibly have seen in Nick Viall? 

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The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's America // The Finale

The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's America // The Finale

Vanessa meets Nick in the woods to ride ponies, and he’s like, “This is a week that’s filled with mutual decisions,” even though it’s obviously not, and nobody should be more acutely aware of that than Nick “Always the Groom’s Competition, Never the Groom” Viall.

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The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's America // Week Eight

The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's America // Week Eight

Welcome back to The Bachelor, the show where four women risk it all by giving their home address to a near-stranger who might become their husband.This is the hometown episode, and it starts in Hoxie, Arkansas, which I can’t help but suspect is not actually Raven’s hometown or, really, anybody’s hometown.

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