The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's Second Year in Office // Week Ten

The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's Second Year in Office // Week Ten

This week, Arie's little Dutch family flew in from, I'm assuming, Amsterdam. Like most Europeans, the elder generation had accents and airs shaped by socialism. They are tasked with helping their hapless son choose between Becca and the refurbished corpse of Sleeping Beauty. They choose Becca, but just barely. In fact, Arie's father tells Becca he would honestly be fine with either of them, which is the opposite of how Arie feels.

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The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's Second Year in Office // Week Eight

The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's Second Year in Office // Week Eight

It's the week none of us have been waiting for — hometown dates. If you deign to take a walk down memory lane with me, you might remember that last week Arie inexplicably chose to visit the hometown of blonde taxidermist Kendall, a woman who has never received so much as a group date rose, never mind a whole one-on-one date.

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The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's Second Year in Office // Week Four

The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's Second Year in Office // Week Four

Back at the mansion, everybody except my mortal enemy, Bekah, is invited on a group date to go hiking. The ladies meet up in the middle of the woods with a survival guide who makes them all pee into a water bottle so they will not die of dehydration in case the cast and crew get lost in the Tahoe wilderness for weeks. The only remaining Lauren makes it clear that she has no intention of drinking her own pee, even if the alternative is certain death. I'm beginning to understand why this revolutionary spirit is the last Lauren standing.

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The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's Second Year in Office // Week Three

The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's Second Year in Office // Week Three

Nobody, including Arie, knows anything about wrestling except Bekah, who cannot stop talking about the 10 seconds she watched of the WWE in 2009. She is featured prominently in the confessionals, giving America her manic take on everything going on around her. Listening to Bekah speak is like being inflicted by a mental Cruciatus curse — you aren't sure what's going on but you would do anything to make it stop.

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The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's Second Year in Office // Week Two

The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's Second Year in Office // Week Two

This week, our papery skinned Bachelor got to know the ladies he would later be having sex with, and it wasn't all roses and emotionally stable professionals. He got to know women with blond hair, women with vocal fry, women with babies, women with rooms and rooms of preserved dead animals, women who are not yet legally allowed to marry in 26 states, and women with traumatic childhood amusement park memories.

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The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's Second Year in Office // Week One

The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's Second Year in Office // Week One

His name is Ari and here is everything I know about him: his family seems to be recent Dutch immigrants. He is a "racecar driver" who is involved with real estate on the side. He is the Victorian ghost in a Wes Anderson movie. He looks like a swamp at dusk. The three things that make him excited to be alive are excitement, adrenaline, and pizza. He starred on a season of The Bachelorette that aired years ago, before I had even heard of the show, perhaps before I had even made my acquaintance with this sad world. He appears to be well over half way done with being alive.

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The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Eleven

The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Eleven

Welcome back to The Bachelorette, the only competition show where third-place is the real winner.

Tonight’s finale began with a betrayal. Is there anyone among us who does not feel disrespected by the new structure? As someone vehemently opposed to both staying up past 10:15 and watching Rachel Lindsay process the emotions I just watched her process for over eight episodes for another fucking hour, I think I speak for all women when I say fuck you ABC.

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The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Ten

The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Ten

We've come a long way since Rachel had 25 boyfriends, but quite frankly, I think it might be too soon to revisit that slice of history. Unfortunately, my opinion is trumped by a multimillion dollar corporation hoping to make a buck or two off of human suffering so in we go!

Tonight, we are re-introduced to several boy feuds: that of Blaine and Lucas, that of Josiah and Iggy, that of Lee and Kenny, that of Lucas and reality, that of Lee and admitting one's racist beliefs, and that of Dean and pubert

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The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Nine

The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Nine

Welcome back to my coverage of The Bachelorette, the only show that hates walls as much as those dirty liberals.

Last night’s episode was very confusing, or maybe that was due to the full bottle of wine I consumed by myself throughout its duration. My alcohol metabolism, unlike my Cheez-It metabolism, is fast as shit though, so I don’t think that was the problem.

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The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Eight

The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Eight

Welcome back to The Bachelorette, the only show that makes you feel like climate change might be a good thing. 

This week, Rachel has the great honor of meeting all four of her boyfriends' families, including the converted kundalini yogi father of her 25-year-old start-up recruiting boyfriend, Dean. 

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The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Six

The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Six

That night, Rachel is like, Kenny why did you go back to Lee and leave me waiting in the helicopter for three minutes like a goddamn IDIOT, and Kenny was like, I had to let Lee know that God loves everyone, even racist elves, and he still has time to get into heaven. Rachel, and America, seemed to be sated by that response and Kenny was spared the chopping block—for now.

At the cocktail party, we meet for the first time two white men named, respectively, Adam and Matt. I had heard rumors of Matt’s existence on the show due to a friend who works at the newspaper in his hometown asking me every Tuesday whether he was still in the running and literally never once knowing who she was talking about or whether he was still on the show.

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The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Five

The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Five

If you want bloody beatdowns, turn on Animal Planet, ladies, because it ain’t happenin’ here. That’s not a prediction — that’s the rule of law. Do you have any idea how many people dream of getting on to The Bachelor, provoking the largest contestant into a wrestling match, and then suing ABC for the full cost of their student loans?

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The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Four

The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Four

Welcome back to The Bachelorette, the show that makes you feel better about humanity’s rapidly approaching extinction. Last week’s episode was non-existent due to America’s creepy obsession with sports but BOY did this week’s make up for it.  

 

Just kidding.

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The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Three

The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Three

This episode begins with lying, cheating, beautiful DeMario imploring Rachel to give him one more chance, but Rachel is a perfect, scary woman who shan’t be played. She tells DeMario she’s glad he learned a lesson from being accosted on national television by a Tinder date that went too far, but it’s too late to use what he learned at the mansion. Especially not when Bryan is still sleeping under its roof.

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The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Two

The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Two

What is “husband material”? That depends on what you understand to be the husband’s purpose in a home. According to Mila Kunis, feminist of truly respectable proportions, a husband’s purpose (not to be confused with the classic film “A Dog’s Purpose") is to vacuum, change diapers, and pull a hairball out of a clogged sink with the baby strapped to his chest. In this respect, Mila and I are on the same level. One way we are not alike is I would have promptly disqualified Whaboom Lucas for repeatedly submerging his plastic babies’ head beneath the water in the germ-filled sink.

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The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week One

The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week One

This season was hotly anticipated by critics and civilians alike because Rachel (drum roll, please) is the first black bachelorette. Critics wondered things like: Will Rachel’s ascendance finally force Chris Harrison to reckon with the violent misdeeds of his white ancestors? Will this season feature smart, insightful, relatable conversations about interracial dating? What could someone as beautiful and witty and successful as Rachel possibly have seen in Nick Viall? 

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The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's America // The Finale

The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's America // The Finale

Vanessa meets Nick in the woods to ride ponies, and he’s like, “This is a week that’s filled with mutual decisions,” even though it’s obviously not, and nobody should be more acutely aware of that than Nick “Always the Groom’s Competition, Never the Groom” Viall.

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