Have you ever had a project to complete that seemed absolutely pointless only to find years later that it prepared you for something real? That’s wedding planning.

What are all the unacknowledged ways that a bride labors over her own wedding? A big part of it is emotional labor. More often than not, the bride is the wedding’s emotional referee. She fields dozens of requests, needs, and opinions (so many opinions!) from family, friends, and other guests. The stakes are high, too. If she messes up and shows any sign of frustration or anxiety or stress, there’s a nasty word to put her back in her place (it rhymes with “Godzilla”).

I am not a mental health practitioner in the slightest, but as someone who suffers from anxiety, ADHD, and owns a wedding planning firm, I can speak uniquely to how to handle the two. Here are my tips to manage your mental health while you’re wedding planning.

We’ve talked about toxic parents, now it’s time to talk about...well, you. Sometimes the toxicity you need to avoid to enjoy your wedding planning is coming from you. This is a guide for how to check-in with yourself and also check yourself to avoid turning into a flesh-eating zombie.

I’d like to add a new middle tier between Bridezillas and Bridechillas. I call them “Anxillas.”

There is a Zen teaching that goes “when you have only a little time, meditate for 10 minutes. And if you have no time at all, then meditate for 20.” This teaching acknowledges that a sense of not having enough time is not an objective law, but rather a subjective experience, one that we can change.

Planning and preparing for a wedding can be stressful. Start the process of alleviating your stress by identifying the sources.  There are two types of stress: eustress, which is positive and can be motivating, and distress, a negative source of anxiety. What is unnecessary and can be left behind, eradicated, or revamped? Create a to-do list, and delegate tasks to people that you trust, like your wedding party or coordinator who will help to disperse the load. Surround yourself with a positive support team that can help you to stay clear of unnecessary tension. Then begin implementing a daily routine like meditation and breathing techniques with a cup of herbal tea to start your day. This can create a moment for yourself and set the tone that will help you to feel grounded and ready to tackle what’s left on your to-do list.

As a wedding planner for a little over three years, I get asked quite frequently what a wedding planner does. Being a black woman, I’ve grown to understand that it’s just not common to hire a wedding planner in the black community. It’s just not the cultural norm. Typically the mother of the bride, Auntie FeeFee, or the family’s self proclaimed fashion guru handles the “coordination.” There is the possibility that the wedding day can run smoothly using such “coordinators,” but isn’t it easier to hire a professional? Yes!

So recently, I’ve been making it a point to make random posts on my social media page about what it is a wedding planner does and ask my followers why they would or would not hire a planner. So, to counteract the feedback I’ve received, here’s why you NEED a wedding planner.