I decided to do a boudoir session for one reason: radical self love.
A few events sparked my motivation to begin this journey, however. I'd just come out of an emotionally abusive relationship that left me feeling unlovable, ugly, and with the lowest self esteem I've ever had. I was frustrated that I wasn't feeling the way I knew I deserved to feel about myself. Secondly, my 21st birthday was just around the corner. A time when I should, again, be feeling proud and sexy and worthy. I decided I was going to feel those things one way or another, because I deserved it. I wanted to remember my 21st birthday as a time when I truly accepted and loved myself. My first step in this journey of self love, I decided, was a boudoir shoot.
At first, I felt anxious. I questioned myself about my outer beauty and my capability.
But as the shoot went on, I gave in to the fact that this was about me and for me only. And that that wasn't selfish or shameful, I deserved it. I felt these wonderful waves of encouragement from myself saying I could do it and I was doing it so well. My photographer's encouragement meant a lot, too. I felt supported and beautiful.
I was really surprised when I first saw my photos. I couldn't believe I looked so confident and happy in my own body. I mean, I looked hot. The person I was at my most confident (which was a while ago) was familiarly looking back at me in those photos. It was a big change from when three weeks before I was at my least confident. A true rebirth had taken tangible form in front of my eyes.
Relaxation wasn't my goal. I wanted to feel fire. The stealthy lullaby society conditioned in me of having a gentle and coy sexuality was way gone. And my photographer wooped encouraging yesses left and right. Jamie understood I wasn't going for the "she doesn't know how beautiful she is" look. No, I wanted the Joan Jett of boudoir shoots — leather trodden and untamable. The support they gave me was by literally cheering me on and encouraging me to use my creativity to move around the space in a way that sparked my fire.
Words by Em. Photos by Jamie Carle Photography.
Florals: Laurelhurst Florist