It's time someone called the wedding diet on its bullshit.
After all, when a man asks a woman to spend the rest of her life with him, he is well aware of what he is doing. He knows that you drool on pillows and get dandruff in the winter. He knows that you read your sister's diary religiously for ten years, and you're not sorry about it. He knows what Indian food does to your stomach, and he also knows that you'll never give up eating Indian food for as long as you live.
Some crazy, unhinged gentleman has asked for your hand in marriage. Your mother is beside herself with shock, and your father can't stop congratulating you. The guy you dated for two months in college is shaking his head in disbelief. Your best frenemy is crying tears she promises come from a happy place. This is not a time for grapes and fatfree yogurt. It is a time for whipping up an alcoholic milkshake, raising your glass to the sky, and enjoying wild sex with a man who worships your body as it is.
Wedding magazines generally delight in coming up with weightloss tips for brides-to-be. There are fourteen different ways to flatten your belly and just as many arm-toning strategies. Underpaid columnists assure you that for every thousand ways in which you are not good enough, there are one thousand and one ways to fix the problem. It is a themed version of the same damaging rhetoric that has dogged us in the grocery aisle since we were children, a monthly service whose function is dependent upon an economy that relies on our unwavering lack of self-esteem.
This is not a time for grapes and fatfree yogurt. It is a time for whipping up an alcoholic milkshake, raising your glass to the sky, and enjoying wild sex with a man who worships your body as it is.
Inwards does not mean upwards. Weight does not mean worth. Aren't weddings the celebration of a union between two people who love each other as is? Who has time to count calories with so many wedding cakes to sample? What would become of society if we began buying wedding dresses that fit us rather than those into which we must fit?
Weddings mark the love between two people, but they can also serve as a celebration of your love for yourself. You have arrived at a place emotionally, mentally, and spiritually where you are ready to choose your life partner. The size of your waistline is marginal compared to the distance you have come.
Here’s a hot wedding tip: instead of losing ten pounds before tying the knot, why don't you sit your fiancé down and let him know the top ten most horrible facts about you? Show him the scars on your fist from that time you punched a wall after the Colts lost, and let him know that he's going to have to start developing more complex opinions about each Bachelor episode if this marriage is going to persevere.
If he still wants to marry you, you know you’ve chosen right. And remember — strawberries aren't a dessert unless they're in your champagne.