The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's Second Year in Office // Week Ten

The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's Second Year in Office // Week Ten

This week, Arie's little Dutch family flew in from, I'm assuming, Amsterdam. Like most Europeans, the elder generation had accents and airs shaped by socialism. They are tasked with helping their hapless son choose between Becca and the refurbished corpse of Sleeping Beauty. They choose Becca, but just barely. In fact, Arie's father tells Becca he would honestly be fine with either of them, which is the opposite of how Arie feels.

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The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's Second Year in Office // Week Eight

The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's Second Year in Office // Week Eight

It's the week none of us have been waiting for — hometown dates. If you deign to take a walk down memory lane with me, you might remember that last week Arie inexplicably chose to visit the hometown of blonde taxidermist Kendall, a woman who has never received so much as a group date rose, never mind a whole one-on-one date.

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The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's Second Year in Office // Week Four

The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's Second Year in Office // Week Four

Back at the mansion, everybody except my mortal enemy, Bekah, is invited on a group date to go hiking. The ladies meet up in the middle of the woods with a survival guide who makes them all pee into a water bottle so they will not die of dehydration in case the cast and crew get lost in the Tahoe wilderness for weeks. The only remaining Lauren makes it clear that she has no intention of drinking her own pee, even if the alternative is certain death. I'm beginning to understand why this revolutionary spirit is the last Lauren standing.

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The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's Second Year in Office // Week Three

The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's Second Year in Office // Week Three

Nobody, including Arie, knows anything about wrestling except Bekah, who cannot stop talking about the 10 seconds she watched of the WWE in 2009. She is featured prominently in the confessionals, giving America her manic take on everything going on around her. Listening to Bekah speak is like being inflicted by a mental Cruciatus curse — you aren't sure what's going on but you would do anything to make it stop.

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The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's Second Year in Office // Week Two

The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's Second Year in Office // Week Two

This week, our papery skinned Bachelor got to know the ladies he would later be having sex with, and it wasn't all roses and emotionally stable professionals. He got to know women with blond hair, women with vocal fry, women with babies, women with rooms and rooms of preserved dead animals, women who are not yet legally allowed to marry in 26 states, and women with traumatic childhood amusement park memories.

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The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's Second Year in Office // Week One

The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's Second Year in Office // Week One

His name is Ari and here is everything I know about him: his family seems to be recent Dutch immigrants. He is a "racecar driver" who is involved with real estate on the side. He is the Victorian ghost in a Wes Anderson movie. He looks like a swamp at dusk. The three things that make him excited to be alive are excitement, adrenaline, and pizza. He starred on a season of The Bachelorette that aired years ago, before I had even heard of the show, perhaps before I had even made my acquaintance with this sad world. He appears to be well over half way done with being alive.

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The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Six

The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Six

That night, Rachel is like, Kenny why did you go back to Lee and leave me waiting in the helicopter for three minutes like a goddamn IDIOT, and Kenny was like, I had to let Lee know that God loves everyone, even racist elves, and he still has time to get into heaven. Rachel, and America, seemed to be sated by that response and Kenny was spared the chopping block—for now.

At the cocktail party, we meet for the first time two white men named, respectively, Adam and Matt. I had heard rumors of Matt’s existence on the show due to a friend who works at the newspaper in his hometown asking me every Tuesday whether he was still in the running and literally never once knowing who she was talking about or whether he was still on the show.

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The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Two

The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week Two

What is “husband material”? That depends on what you understand to be the husband’s purpose in a home. According to Mila Kunis, feminist of truly respectable proportions, a husband’s purpose (not to be confused with the classic film “A Dog’s Purpose") is to vacuum, change diapers, and pull a hairball out of a clogged sink with the baby strapped to his chest. In this respect, Mila and I are on the same level. One way we are not alike is I would have promptly disqualified Whaboom Lucas for repeatedly submerging his plastic babies’ head beneath the water in the germ-filled sink.

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The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week One

The Official Bachelorette Blog of Trump's America // Week One

This season was hotly anticipated by critics and civilians alike because Rachel (drum roll, please) is the first black bachelorette. Critics wondered things like: Will Rachel’s ascendance finally force Chris Harrison to reckon with the violent misdeeds of his white ancestors? Will this season feature smart, insightful, relatable conversations about interracial dating? What could someone as beautiful and witty and successful as Rachel possibly have seen in Nick Viall? 

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The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's America // The Finale

The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's America // The Finale

Vanessa meets Nick in the woods to ride ponies, and he’s like, “This is a week that’s filled with mutual decisions,” even though it’s obviously not, and nobody should be more acutely aware of that than Nick “Always the Groom’s Competition, Never the Groom” Viall.

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The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's America // Week Nine

The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's America // Week Nine

This episode picks back up in that Brooklyn hotel room, where Nick’s ex-TV girlfriend, Andi, is about to give him some tough, honest advice about loving himself. Nick, who slut-shamed Andi on her After-the Rose special by pretending to feel betrayed that she had lain ‘pon his dick when her heart was elsewhere, deserves no empathy. Andi is pulling off the moral equivalent of looking your bully in the eye and saying, “I’m sorry you hate yourself, but I love you and so does Jesus.”

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Asking for Permission to Marry

Asking for Permission to Marry

Once upon a time, a gentleman caller asked my grandpa for my aunt's hand in marriage. Grandpa asked him what he thought about my aunt working after marriage, and the dude said he hadn't thought of it. My grandpa kindly redirected the frat boy to suggest that he might want to talk to my aunt more before he proposed to her.

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The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's America // Week Eight

The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's America // Week Eight

Welcome back to The Bachelor, the show where four women risk it all by giving their home address to a near-stranger who might become their husband.This is the hometown episode, and it starts in Hoxie, Arkansas, which I can’t help but suspect is not actually Raven’s hometown or, really, anybody’s hometown.

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The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's America // Week Seven

The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's America // Week Seven

I can now say with near certitude that Rachel Lindsay will debut next season as the franchise’s first black bachelorette. This is good news for obvious historical reasons but mainly because it means dearly beloved Rachel is not destined to spend her life with Slenderma — I mean, Nick. Congratulations, Rachel. We are all, literally, thrilled.

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The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's America // Week Six

The Official Bachelor Blog of Trump's America // Week Six

This episode starts with Taylor launching one last grenade against Corinne’s integrity. She undergoes a voodoo witchcraft ceremony in the hopes of upping her p0wn factor but it doesn’t work–for some people, there just isn’t any hope. Nick sends her to the left yet one more time when she shows up at their dinner, despite her attempt to convince him that Corinne is a narsty, fake betch.

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The Official Bachelor Blog of Trumps America: Week Five

The Official Bachelor Blog of Trumps America: Week Five

Welcome back to The Bachelor, a show where one man navigates the rocky waters of romance against the backdrop of a crumbling nation state.  

Before we begin, I want to bring to your attention to a tragic coincidence of which I have heretofore been ignorant: Waukesha, Wisconsin, Nick Viall’s Middle American hometown, is the very place where two pre-teenage girls were convicted of a gruesome murder attempt in the name of a scary monster called Slenderman.

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